Halloween... Wah.

I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. It's Halloween, one of my favorite holidays! I really love to get dressed up and go downtown and see all the college kids in costumes. It's so fun! This year I don't have the energy. I'm all achey and feel icky and tired.

I took a bath though...

Chemo and cancer are no fun. No fun at all.

:(

Somebody call the wambulance. (OK pity party over. Will be more of a trooper now.)

I.E., I'm going to bed before 10:30 on All Hallows Eve.

Short Update

I am so tired. Soooo tired. Sleeping sleeping. zZZZzzzZZZZzzzZZZzzzz.

Thanks Paulette for those gorgeous flowers! Way to make a girl feel loved... and like a girl again! I think I scared the delivery chick though, with my bald head and all...! I don't have your phone number because I lost it... ever heard of chemo brain? Anyway, I'd like to call you to give you a real thanks...!

First FEC... "Freakin' Evil Compound"

So I had my first infusion of FEC on Tuesday, Oct 28. Let's take a step back and I'll tell you the side effects of each drug, like I did with Taxol way back when...

These were all copied directly from the sheets I got from the onc's office. Please don't sue me for plagiarism or copyright infringement!

5-Fluorouricil (5-FU)

Usually given intravenously

Often given with other chemotherapy drugs

Some of the side effects may include:

1. Nausea and vomiting; usually very mild
2. Bone marrow suppression
a. Red blood cells, white blood cells and platelet counts will all drop, reaching their lowest point (nadir) at 9-14 days after administration.
b. All counts will recover by themselves. No specific diet or activity will hasten this recovery.
3. Alopecia (hair loss)
a. Hair may thin, starting 2-3 weeks after administration.
b. Temporary; hair will return after therapy stops.
4. Loss of taste and appetite; both will return after therapy stops.
5. Stomatitis
a. Small sores progressing to shallow ulceration
b. May start as a painful tongue or generalized sore mouth. Notify nurse or doctor is you notice this.
6. Diarrhea
a. Notify the nurse or doctor is this occurs.
b. Doses may need to be decreased of therapy interrupted.
7. Skin Changes
a. 5-FU can make you more sensitive to the sun so wearing sun screen is important.
b. The palms of your hands and soles of your feet can become red, sore and cracked.
c. Use a good moisturizer daily on your skin.
d. Notify is of any ski irritation.


Epirubicin (Ellence)

Given Intravenously

Frequently given in combination with other chemotherapy drugs

Some of the more common side effects include:

1. Nausea/Vomiting
a. May start soon after administration and last several hours to several days.
b. You will be given anti-nausea medications prior to treatment, and you will receive prescriptions for home.
2. Myelosuppression/Bone Marrow Suppression
a. Your red blood cell (RBC), white blood cell (WBC) and platelet counts will all drop after Epirubicin, reaching their lowest point (nadir) at about 2 weeks.
b. This makes you more prone to anemia, infection, and bleeding.
c. All counts will recover by themselves. No specific diet or activity will hasten this.
d. Blood counts will be checked at least once each week and more frequently if ordered by your physician.
3. Hair loss
a. Hair loss is temporary. It will grow back after chemotherapy is completed.
b. Hair loss will start 2-3 weeks after Epirubicin is given.
c. Hair loss may be partial or complete.
4. Heart toxicity
a. Usually does not occur until high cumulative doses are reached. We will keep track of your cumulative dose and stop it before the high limit is reached.
5. Fatigue
a. Common with most chemotherapy
b. Usually lasts throughout the entire treatment time period
c. Light to moderate activity can help alleviate some fatigue.


Cytoxan (Cyclophosphamide)

Given intravenously or orally (I get it intravenously)

Frequently given in combination with other chemotherapy drugs

Some of the more common side effects include:

1. Nausea/Vomiting
a. May start 2-24 hours after administration
b. Mild nausea may persist while taking oral Cytoxan
c. You will be given anti-nausea medications prior to treatment, and you will receive prescriptions for home.
2. Myelosuppression/Bone Marrow Suppression
a. Your red blood cell (RBC), white blood cell (WBC) and platelet counts will all drop after Cytoxan, reaching their lowest point (nadir) at about 2 weeks.
b. This makes you more prone to anemia, infection, and bleeding.
c. All counts will recover by themselves. No specific diet or activity will hasten this.
d. Blood counts will be checked at least once each week and more frequently if ordered by your physician.
3. Hair Loss
a. Hair loss is temporary. It will grow back after chemotherapy is completed.
b. Hair loss will start 2-3 weeks after Cytoxan is given and is more likely with intravenous administration.
4. Cystitis (bladder inflammation)
a. May cause discomfort when urinating, frequent urination, or blood in the urine
b. To avoid, drink 3-4 quarts of fluid each day (especially water) for 2 days after treatment, and empty your bladder frequently.
5. Decreased Fertility
a. May cause absence of periods, decreased sperm count, or permanent sterility. Continue to use contraception.
6. Fatigue
a. Usually lasts throughout the entire treatment period
b. Moderate exercise, good nutrition and rest can help remedy fatigue.



So now that you know all that, let me tell you about it from a "real" person's perspective. It sucks.

I went to my infusion on Tuesday, and because I was nervous, Susan volunteered to go with me. Plus I knew I wasn't getting Benadryl, so I might get bored as I wouldn't be sleeping the entire time. We watched a movie ("After the Sunset," and not recommended) and ate snacks while nurses came in and out to give me different bags of stuff. The Epirubicin is red... and it makes you pee pinkish orange, kinda cool...

About as soon as we got home, I had a headache and some gnarly nausea. In a few hours, I was debilitated! It was like having a really REALLY bad hangover with out having had the fun of drinking tequila all night! I rested on the couch, but then woke up extra super hot and sweaty and moved to my room.

I had a little breakdown in my room just because I was feeling so crappy. Somehow feeling crappy makes this whole experience that much more real to me. I was having a whiny, self-indulgent, whimpy, babyish pity party, but I couldn't stop. I decided it was better to get all that out, especially while Susan was out so nobody would freak out (heh except me). I put an Ativan (the good stuff... for anxiety, nausea, and sleep) on my tongue and sucked on it to make it work faster. Then I gave myself a "get a grip" talk, and said "Carrie, you can do this. Stop being a baby and get it together. Get up, eat something, and feel better. You're acting like a loser." Or something like that. It helped, and I got up and immediatly ate a little cup of applesauce to get something in my stomach. Then I made myself a bowl of vegetable beef soup. I ate that and I think I pretty much went to bed.

Today I slept in. I made myself some toast (wonderful Mountain Rose homemade wheat bread, I might add) and an egg, ate it, and then went back to bed. I slept until my 2:00 appointment today. Sheesh am I tired! And my mouth has been super dry.

I went in to my onc's office today for hydration and a shot of Neulasta. Neulasta is a drug that is given by way of shot (ewww) that is supposed to make me have more white blood cells. The white blood cells are the guys who fight against infection. And when they're really low, a cancer patient can wind up in the hospital for something as simple as an eye infection. According to my friend, the drug was developed during the blood-tranfusion-and-AIDS panic of the 80's or early 90's (or whatever, I'm not a historian...!) and it is used instead of blood transfusions, which I find creepy. According to my nurse, it also helps me stay on schedule, which is of utmost importance to me because I cannot wait to be done and don't want to delay a single dose.

So now we're updated to today. I was feeling crappy until I left the onc's office today. They gave me some Tagamet to also help settle my stomach. Now I'm feeling better, but tired. I haven't taken a shower for a while because my nurse left the needle in my port yesterday so I woudn't have to get poked again today. And I haven't changed clothes because I felt like crap and it didn't seem to matter. And it didn't matter! So now I need to clean myself up and get ready for bed. I'm not sure I would say I feel good, but better is good for now! And who knows what tomorrow brings... hopefully more better and no worse, but it certainly isn't possible to predict.

I had Susan take pictures at chemo the other day so I could give you a step-by-step presentation of what happens. You can look forward to that later in the week!

Thanks for listening!

Tomorrow... One More Step Towards the Finish Line

Just a quick note to ask for all your prayers and good vibes for tomorrow. I start new drugs and it's a little scary/nerve wracking. But I hope I'll be a superstar and just knock this one out of the park. My sister is coming with me, so that will help with anxiety and boredom!

C'mon FEC, let's rock these tumors!

Yay Good News! :)

Why hello again! I thought I'd write a quick post to share some good news I got today.

I had a meeting with Dr. M. to talk about my mammogram and ultrasound. I guess she and the radiologist discussed the findings. They decided that since my tumors have responded so well to the chemo, and since this "mystery lymph node" (I call it that because it's a little bit too big, and we were worried that there could be cancer there... and that's a bad thing because it leads to cancer spreading ...) has not changed in size, it implies that there might not be cancer in my lymph nodes.

She said "I don't think there's cancer in your lymph node." I wanted to jump up and celebrate! Of course, there's always the chance that she's wrong. But it was good to hear that maybe there's no cancer there, and maybe there never was! Plus, that would put me at Stage 1 and not Stage 2, which has a better prognosis. And maybe with FEC (nah, let's just say IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, none of this "maybe" crap) I can shrink the tumors down to a Stage 0. Wouldn't that be SWEET?

Yay I love good news! I really hope Dr. M. is right!

Home Again and The Week Ahead

Hello all! I'm back, and for those of you who didn't know I was gone, let me fill you in. I went to Winter Park, Colorado, my former home before all this cancer hoopla. I visited some friends, dropped off my bindings to be mounted on my new skis, tried to comfort a buddy going through a rough time, exorcised a ghost (I mean that figuratively), got some free meals, shivered (it's cold there!) and relaxed. I had a really great visit, for the most part, and realized that I have some really great friends. Thank you to everyone for everything! Your support and concern means the world to me.

I got a lot of comments on my last post, probably because it was almost a week ago since I put up a new one. To "Kim," which Kim are you? I'm guessing my cool and lovely boss from the resort, but maybe the cool and lovely woman who cuts my hair? Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting, and also... it's an additional 4 weeks of treatment, making it a total of 12 more weeks of treatment until I'm done. I wish it were 4!

You know what makes me feel really proud right now? I'm an active user on the bulletin board of this website called the Young Survivor Coalition. I've met a lot of really cool young women there, and they all happen to have breast cancer. Anyway, a bunch of them read my blog and like it, and that makes me feel REALLY good! I think it's because the content is nothing new to them, but they still read. Thanks ladies for your support! I remember feeling really isolated because of my age (and attitude) before my friend referred me to YSC.

So here's the schedule for this week, in case you want to think of me and send me extra thoughts and prayers and good vibes. I think I'll be needing them this week...

Monday: Follow up with Dr. M., my onc at 1:00

Tuesday: First FEC infusion of four at 11:00. I'm scared and nervous, but trying not to think about it. If ever you wanted to send me strength and courage, this would be the day!

Wednesday: Get Neulasta shot (it's a shot to make my white blood cells mature faster so my immune system doesn't make me a giant target for infection) and hydration at 2:00. Which would you choose, a shot in your butt or your stomach? Instinct told me butt, but I've heard stomach is better.

So a new round of chemo with new drugs will begin. You know, I don't really know what a "round' or chemo means; is a round one treatment, or is it all the treatments with the same drug? Hmmm.

Let's hope I whoop this one like I whooped Taxol! Maybe I should write Taxol a little break up letter...

Dear Taxol,

I'm done with you; it's over. Finished. I know we spent 12 weeks together; 12 weeks I will never forget. You've helped me in one major way (cancer killin'!), but you've hurt me too. You made me feel bad sometimes and just didn't treat me that well. You aren't very fun and I'll never forgive you for making my hair come out. I hope that when you meet another woman, you will help her the way you've helped me. And that afterwards, she'll dump your ass the same way I did!

I will admit, I've found someone new. His name is FEC. I think he's a stronger guy than you, and I truly believe he'll do an even better job than you. Thanks for all the you've done, but I promise I will never miss you.

Forget you,
Carrie

Bad News :(

So as you all know, I was really hoping that my next phase of treatment would be AC (adriamycin and cytoxan). AC treatment would have been 4 rounds administered every other week. The other choice was FEC (5-Fluorouracil, Epirubicin, and Cytoxan), which would be administered every three weeks. I guess the treatments are very similar, but because FEC is composed of three drugs, I would need three weeks to recover. I wanted AC only because it would be done sooner!

Anyway, today my onc called to let me know what our course of action would be. I was very disappointed to find out I will be doing FEC. So another 12 weeks of chemo is on the horizon. An extra month of this crap-- great.

I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be, but I am pretty bummed out.

I still have an appointment with my onc on Monday to discuss stuff, but she told me some things on the phone. I requested that she call me as soon as she knew which meds I would take because I feel like I have no idea what's going to happen to me, and I'd like to make plans.

She told me some stuff though: one tumor shrank from 2.6 cm to .9 cm and the other from 2.3 cm to 1.3 cm. I thought I remembered my onc saying that if both were shrunk to 1 cm or smaller, then we'd do AC. So I wasn't totally surprised. She also said that originally, I had 2 lymph nodes that were looking "suspicious." The ultrasound showed that one was 1.7 cm before and is the same now. :( I don't know how bad that is, but she did say that it doesn't necessarily mean there's cancer there for sure. The other node was 1 cm, and it didn't show up in the ultrasound, but my onc expressed some doubt that the tech went deep enough. She commented that it was a good reduction, but to get the best results, we need to do FEC.

Some good things: the E has less of a chance for heart toxicity than A, so that's good. And the C is supposed to really knock out tumors, so I'm still hoping and expecting to see more shrinkage next time. And this is supposed to give us a better chance at shrinking the tumors and getting me better, so that's good.

I don't know if I told you this, but I learned from my onc that when you're doing neo-adjuvant treatment, it's the stage you are BEFORE surgery and AFTER chemo that counts for your prognosis. So if I can get to Stage 1 or Stage 0 (dare to dream!), then my prognosis would be improved from being Stage 2.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't blow my dreams for skiing out of the water. It certainly will change them, but we'll just have to see how it goes. I hate that I can't make any long-term plans because I don't know what's going to happen as far as surgery and recovery times go, and whether I'll be doing 5 weeks or radiation, or what... FRUSTRATING.

But, to end on a lighter note, I've completed all 12 infusions of Taxol, and that's really something! I thought it would put me at 12/20 weeks, but it turns out I'm a little less than 12/24. So halfway. I know I said this was going to be "on a lighter note," but I have to say looking back on these 12 weeks, it feels like a long time. There was a time when I felt like time was really going by, and I couldn't believe I had done, say, 8 treatments already. Now I feel like time has morphed into molasses in January. In fact, I get my last infusion on this nonsense FEC schedule on Dec. 30, I think. So maybe I will be molasses in January.

Oh well.

Cancer is for the birds.

Imaging Results... Part 1

So I had a marginally frustrating day today. First, I had an appointment with my oncologist, who is at this big health campus on the south side of town. My town isn't huge, but the onc's office is about as far away as you can get. So anyway, I show up at 10:30, and my onc walks in and says, "Did we make a scheduling mistake?" I was a little annoyed because I had called the week before, right before I got on the plane to go to Cali, to make sure the onc wanted to see me before my imaging appointment. And the person I spoke to said yes, she does want to see you before the imaging. So anyway, after I get there, she says I can just go, and I make an appointment for NEXT Monday to discuss the mammogram and ultrasound results, which will determine my next round of treatment.

So I leave and decide to get some breakfast, even though I have to be back at this health campus around 12:30 for my mammo/ultrasound. I head to The Rainbow because I've decided I want to eat their green eggs and ham. The Rainbow is probably about 15-20 minutes away. I get there and order a green tea, and as the waitress goes off to make it, I realize that I have a lunch menu and I've missed breakfast. ARGH! I decide to drink the tea and head elsewhere for food, but the tea is really gross. So I leave $3 and am getting frustrated.

Then I went home, but only got to be there for a few minutes because I had to go to my imaging appointment. And when I got there, there was a lot of waiting time. YARGH.

Enough blah blah blah, I'll get to the good stuff. I didn't get to speak with the radiologist; I guess he tells the tech to tell me stuff. But she told me that he said my tumors had shrunk considerably and that's good. The chemo is working, which we already knew. He also said that there was nothing new on my films, which is really good too, and I hadn't considered that new stuff could be happening. I asked the tech how big the tumors are now, and she said one's about 1.3 cm, and I think she said the other was a little smaller. They were 2.5-ish cm before, so they're about half as big. And according to what I hear, the next drug is one that REALLY smashes cancer.

I was really hoping that the techs wouldn't be able to find any cancer in me, but in the end I don't really know if that was a reasonable, typical, or even possible scenario. I'll know more about that next week. I am glad that they are shrinking though. And I still have a considerable amount of chemo left to do, so hopefully when I'm done there will be hardly anything left.

Speaking of which, tomorrow is my last Taxol infusion! I'm really happy about that, but at the same time a little worried that I'll be missing Taxol once I start the next phase. I think the next drugs are going to be harder. But I'll deal with that when the time comes, no use fretting over it now. It's been so long since I felt "normal" and "good" that I hardly remember what that's like. And that's a good thing because it makes it so I don't really miss it.

So adios Taxol, this is our last week together. Let's make it count!

The California Post!

So my "California Chemo-cation" was really such a blast, and a wondeful way to both clear my head and approximately mark the halfway point of chemotherapy treatment. I feel absolutely blessed to have such wonderful girlfriends who were kind and generous enough to take care of me when I needed it most! So thank you, a thousand times thank you, to Kelsey, Sonja and Heather!

And now that it's been a week since I returned, I figured I'd better show you all some photos!

Here's a photo of Carmel, as seen from the beach. Kelsey's pad was only a short block away from the ocean. How wonderful!

And here's a photo of the beach! Beautiful!

And a blue sunset over the Pacific Ocean. We left the house every day around 6:00 to make sure we didn't miss it.

Here's an orange sunset.

Sonja and Carrie, smilin' beach bums!

Kelsey and Sonja, Bud Light drinkin' beach bums!

Our feet! In the sand! Best feeling!

On the first night, we returned to the beach to have a bonfire. We didn't have much paper to burn, so thank God Kelsey brought the lighter fluid...

Now our blaze is a-burnin'!

Kelsey and Sonja, makers of fire! Sonja decided to wear my purple wig...

Sonja wrote our names in the sand, and I thought it looked cool. "Not to prove that we were here, but to prove that we are here." -Roger Clyne

Here's me and a crazy line of spazzy fire! Sonja and I wore wigs down to the beach... a mistake because they smelled awful, like bonfire smoke, until I cleaned them yesterday.

I look awful in this picture, but Sonja looks really cute, so I put it up. I was trying to look surprised when they brought me a homemade birthday cake! How sweet, pun intended! We ate this morning and night for three days...

Some penguins at the Monterey Bay Aquarium...

We took a trip down to Big Sur and did a little hike to the beach. Here's the view when we got there!

Kelsey scrambling on a rock...

Sonja smiling on the beach....

We climbed that rocky thing because... umm we wanted to... It was really steep!

And here's the sign we saw once we got to the top! What can I say, we live dangerously...

Another view from the top...

OK, so the San Francisco part of the trip is grossly under-represented. By the time I got to Heather (and Jackson... and Brody...), I was pretty tired. And tired of taking pictures, too! But here's Heather and Jackson, both irresistably adorable!

And just for fun, a video of the cats and Heather playing with an earplug. Cats are funny!

Well, I hope you've enjoyed my California trip photos! Tomorrow I have my appointment for an ultrasound and mammogram, so please keep me in your thoughts in prayers. Pray that there's nothing there to see anymore!

ARGH!

So I'm really annoyed right now because I just went out to get some dinner and couldn't taste a damn thing. I went to Noodles and got Pad Thai, which I usually really enjoy. Now that I'm back, I feel like I haven't even eaten because I pretty much couldn't taste it at all. It's like I'm losing some of the really great parts of my life, like skiing, my health, my independence, and then losing some of the small pleasures, like tasting my dinner. I even covered it with hot sauce. Nothing.

Plus I ran into two people I haven't seen in a really long time. I got to share the cancer adventure story with one of them, the other was talking with some other people so I was saved. I mean, what are you supposed to say to "What are you up to?" or "What's new?" etc.?

I am grouchy. Like really-super-almost-scary grouchy.

Because It's Chemo 11, and Because I Love You

Hello all, just thought I'd check in after Chemo 11. Boy, are the chemo-folk on Wednesdays old! All grannies and grampas today. I'll be glad to get back to the 40-60 year old range on Tuesday again...! I wish I had the energy to post my California pix etc, but not tonight. Sorry! OK... just one... and then bed...! Here's Carrie, Kelsey, and Sonja on the beach in Carmel, California!

So Chemo 11 went smoothly. The blood machine (yeah, I don't know what it's really called) was broken, so I went in early to have my blood checked out. Maybe because I had an extra day of recovery (well, probably because of this) or maybe because California and the ocean will heal all wounds (I prefer to think it's this), but my important white blood cell count was up to 2800, from 1500 last week. So that was good!

I talked with my onc nurse about nutrition today. It's a topic that's been weighing heavily on my mind. I don't ever want to have to deal with cancer again, and if my diet can play a role in that, then I'm all for it. However, I don't feel like my diet has been so crappy that it caused my cancer in the first place, and if I were to go crazy-raw-food-vegan-never-eats-anything-fun and then had a recurrence (ahhhh God forbid!), I would be super pissed. So I need to find a healthy balance. What Nurse A. said was to really try to follow the food pyramid, and keep lean proteins (so that means sausage gravy, right?) and whole grains and fruits and veggies of various colors in focus. I can do that. And she let me know that it doesn't mean you have to eat like a saint. Even those raw food nutsos get cancer! And as far as I know, we only live once on earth, so we may as well have some fun...

Speaking of which, even though I just got back, I wish I was going on another trip again! I had so much fun! You know what sounds great? Vegas! Although I have no idea how that would be sans alcohol. Hmmmm.

I slept long and hard today. I slept really hard through chemo, which is becoming more and more common. I actually get my best sleep there, when I've got all that Benadryl doing its thing. And then I came home and slept another three hours! I think I'm a little drained from my trip and birthday partying. Good thing there's Ativan! I think I'll have two tonight.

And I'm going to try a different antibiotic on my neck bumps now. I used to take these pills for my skin a while ago and got off of them because they're hell on my stomach. But I'd really prefer to try to have normal-looking skin, so we'll see if it works. It better!

So just one more Taxol and then I start the next phase, which will probably be AC. I hope! I'm glad to have a short week before my last Taxol. Please pray that my tumors are tiny or gone! I have some imaging on Monday, which I'm really excited for. And a little nervous. This is the first time we'll be seeing how the tumors have responded to chemo, and the radiologist will be measuring them on the ultrasound and mammogram. I wonder how many 25 year olds get to have three mammos in three months. I hope there's nothing to measure! Anyway, any thoughts, prayers, positive vibrations and good energies sent my way will be appreciated, as always!

And thanks to everyone who called, emailed, commented, and/or sent me a present for my birthday! It's so wonderful to have the support of such caring people, and I appreciate every single one of you. There's nothing like cancer to show you who your friends are.

Safe and Sound After Chemo-cation

Hi all! I wanted to let you know that I made it home, safe and sound, from my California Chemo-cation. I had a blast, and my side effects weren't too much of a problem. Almost a full week of watching the sun set over the ocean, bonfires, birthday cake for breakfast, Shanghai Dumpling King, aquariums, black cats and many other wonders. I'll recap and add photos sometime later... tired tonight!

It's the eve of the anniversary of my birth... get your presents ready...! Kidding...! But tomorrow, I will be 26. 25 started off with a bang; 26 isn't looking so great for the take-off... but when you start crappy, there's nowhere to go but up Up UP!

And a special hello to those charming girls at the Private Lessons Desk... thanks for reading!

If Cancer Were a University, I'd Go to FU-Cancer

Can you believe it? Chemo 10 is done! Now all I need to do is pack for California-- bikini, flip flops (flap flaps!), book, sunglasses, done? Nah, just kidding, it's Norcal, sillies!

So I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow and will be kickin' retiree-style in Carmel, and then off to San Francisco on Saturday, October 11, sometime. Then back to the Centennial State (yeah that's Colorado... we became a state in 1876!) on Monday, October 13. And then on Tuesday...

Tuesday, October 14...

Hmmmm what happens?

OH YEAH IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! PARTY TIME! GIFTS, CARDS, MONEY-- ALL ACCEPTED WITH GRATITUDE! Ha, I was just kidding about that last part, but some positive birthday vibes would be wonderful...

Nothing like an old lady disease to make you feel like a spring chicken! 26 years young!

I made a secret (well... not so secret...) vow to myself on my birthday last year that I would not have an ordinary life. I should have been more specific...

Oh, and for those who have been listening carefully... Chemo 11, which normally would be on my birthday, has been postponed to Wednesday, October 15. First birthday without a hangover in... years!

So forget cancer, I'm gonna have a sweet week! You guys do the same!

I'm A Broken Bouncy Ball

Just a quick chemo update...

It's going well still, but I'm noticing that I don't bounce back as quickly as I did with my first few treatments. At the beginning, I'd feel icky on Thursday and sometimes Friday. That stretched out to Saturday after a while. And this week I've been feeling better than last week, but it's Monday already and I'm not back to "normal." I guess those cumulative effects are starting to get to me.

I hope I feel great this week, though, because I'm going to California, baby! Send me "feel good" vibes!

Race for the Cure

Hello all! I survived the race! I had no idea what an ordeal it would be, but it was worth it!

65,000 people participated, which made me feel really good. I didn't know so many people cared! I had only two supporters with me, but they were good and loyal ones, so that made me feel good too. I expected to get all emotional and cry and potentially have a nervous breakdown or something, but I didn't feel that way at all. The only time I felt remotely choked up was when Susan told me it made her sad to see all the "I walk in celebration of..." and "I walk in remembrance of..." signs. I guess I thought I'd feel really attached and connected, but I somehow just didn't. Maybe it's because it's easy to feel lost in the crowd when there are 65,000 people. Maybe it's because being sad about any of it means being sad for me, and I don't want to be sad.

Anyway, in true Carrie-and-Susan fashion, we were running a little late and didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. Well, Susan didn't know how crazy crowded it was going to be, and I did know but failed to make a plan. We had trouble finding a parking space, and once we did we had to practically run to the start. We didn't know that with a gajillion people participating, it didn't matter at all if you were on time! Our parking place was probably about a mile from the start, so in the end we probably walked 5 miles for the cure. They'd better find a damn cure because we did extra! Walking three miles usually takes me about 45 minutes or so, but when half the world is walking with you, it takes about 2 hours. It ended up being a lot of time on my feet, more than usual, and the sun helped tire me out. I was exhausted by the end!

Enough of the blah blah blah (I really put the blah in blog, huh?), here are some photos!

Check out this video to get an impression of how many people were at the start. Keep in mind, this was the second race! Sorry in advance if you get motion sickness...

Here we are, ready to Race for the Cure!

Here's the Starting Line...

And we're finally racing!

Matt and his friend. Nice bunny ears!

Even dogs can Race for the Cure! I couldn't get over this dog in shoes!

Here's a bunch of racers against the Denver skyline. Hey Christopher-- Fuze Healthy Infuzions was a sponsor, and they gave out pink capes that said "Fuze for the Cure." I thought you would have enjoyed that!

Here's Susan, contemplating taking the Fort Collins exit and leaving the crowd behind...

My head started to get really hot in my wig, so I took it off and walked "pirate style." This photo was taken near the end of the race, so I made a good pirate face to show I was keeping strong. Arr matey!

The last leg of the race... this will give you an idea of what 65,00o people could look like!

The Finish Line! A sight we thought we'd never see!

I took this picture myself, so please ignore my double chin! We're finally at the finish line!

Two Month Chemo-versary

Today marks the two-month anniversary of the day I received my first chemotherapy infusion. How time flies! I still remember that day; I was excited and nervous, and my sister and parents came with me. I didn't want them to have to see me hurt, so I tried to pick a seat where they couldn't see me get poked. I remember being surprised at how old everyone else was, and I remember feeling really awkward not knowing the protocol of how things were supposed to go. I remember getting knocked off my ass with Benadryl and being so sleepy I couldn't speak.

Now when I go to chemo, I go alone. I don't need anyone to be there with me because all I do is sleep, and that would be very boring for a guest. When I get there, I say hi to everyone I know. I know exactly what I want to have for the time I'm there and get it all ready: a table, with my iPod, GameBoy, phone, water and a juice box; a blanket or two to keep me warm; and my prayer shawl knitted by Auntie Alice. I take my shoes off, lean my chair back, cover myself up, and get ready for a drowsy 2-3 hours. I'm an old pro now.

So two months down already. And a little over two more to go. I can do this. No sweat.

I don't feel too good today, but I'd better get to feeling great! I have a race tomorrow! No running of course. And California in just 4...3...2...1...! And birthday in 10 days!

Today I had a great cancer moment. I was trying to sleep in, but the doorbell rang. The doorbell never rings, so I figured I'd better answer. I was hoping it would be a delivery guy with beautiful flowers from a mysterious benefactor, but it was door-to-door Obama people. I didn't bother putting a hat on, and I was just wearing my bathrobe. I told them I wasn't that interested in the election this year, as I have more important things going on. Blah blah blah, they asked if I had cancer, yes, what kind, breast, my mom had that, oh, can she pray for you, sure. Flowers would have been better.

You know, the funny thing about cancer is that someone has to tell you you're sick. I was feeling pretty good before diagnosis, before treatment. Usually when you're sick, you go to the doctor and tell the doctor you're sick and you feel like crap. After, the doctor helps you and you feel better. In the case of cancer, you go to the doctor and the doctor tells you you're sick. And then the doctor helps you and you feel like crap. But eventually you feel better. Right?

Something that disturbs me about cancer is that the patient has no real idea what's going on inside of them. And neither does the doctor. You have to have tests and images and scans and whatnot to tell you what's going on. For all I know, cancer is spreading in me right now. For all I know, there is no cancer in me now at all. Who knows? It bothers me not to know what's going on in my own body. And it bothers me that, regardless of why I have cancer, it's something that my body is doing to me. It's something I'm doing to myself, and I don't know why, and I don't know how to stop!

Stop making cells! Easier said than done, eh Marc, as I now realize... unfortunately...

If everything were different today, I know what I'd do. I'd call up that guy, and I'd see if he wanted to get a beermosa with me. Days like today always make me think of him. Days like today make me nostalgic for my old life. But everything is not different. And for the record, he's always told me I was, indeed, good for him.

Oh well. Cheers to today! Send me positive thoughts and good vibrations that I'll be feeling better for my race and my Chemo-cation!

Just When I Was Starting to Feel Better

Seriously?!?!?!?

Thursday. Already!

Why hello again!

Today is usually the beginning of Ick City. But it wasn't too bad today. I attribute this to a number of things... For one, I quit taking Ambien because it was making me hallucinate these neato, diaphanous, floaty thingies and a cat (Yes, it was on my pillow. And I did try to touch it to make sure it wasn't actually my cat. It wasn't. It was a hallucikitty.) and then I had a really realistic nightmare-type thing. So that freaked me out. I started taking Ativan, which is a drug for anxiety, nausea and sleep. I took two on Tuesday night because one just wasn't doing the trick. I may have made an ill-advised phone call, but oh well. I took only one last night. I slept reasonably well.

In case you're confused as to why I'm taking sleeping meds, Decadron, the steroid I have to take with my chemo cocktail, makes my head all buzzy and has insomnia as a side effect. My drugs for side effects have side effects. The whole chemo game is a balancing act, really. You have to use one drug or vitamin or supplement to outweigh the negative effects of the others. So I take Decadron intravenously for side effects from the chemo, and then I take Ativan for side effects from the Decadron. And I'm sure I'll have to take something to balance out the Ativan. Ha, just kidding, I hope. Apparently Ativan is one of those "fun drugs," as in normal people like to abuse it. This is pretty much the first time I've had this type of drug in my possession. I plan on using it according to the directions (because I'm a square). Plus I'm not a very anxious type, so I don't really notice much of a change when I take it. Except I get to sleep. Ahhhhh a nice feeling. It's just a Tuesday/Wednesday drug.

I also did a good job at getting a walk today. Since I slept in, I didn't get to have breakfast with my parents. So I walked to Rocky Mountain Bagel Works to get a whole wheat bagel, eating it on the walk home. Multi-tasking! I rarely single-task anymore, so you can see why multi-tasking is a big deal. I also did laundry and watched a movie with my mom. The combo of moving around AND taking it easy tends to be a good one.

But wait, there's more! I went out with Susan to register for the Race for the Cure. To anyone who might come on down and join the fun, you may want to register ahead of time. We went to Runner's Roost, paid the $30, and got our numbers and t-shirts. If you want to come, it's not too late! Call me or email me or leave a comment, and we'll find a way to meet up!

Participating in the Race for the Cure brought up a technical question for me. There are special parts of the event that apply to survivors only, such as certain free things and pink shirts v. white shirts. I started to wonder, "when do I get to call myself a survivor? After treatment? A year after treatment? Five years after diagnosis?" I brought this question up on a message board I've been frequenting, http://www.youngsurvival.org/, and the best response was this:

The minute you find out you have cancer and you don't drop dead from the
shock, you are a survivor. Get the free stuff. Love, Ruth

I have to say, that was an awesome answer! So I'm officially a survivor. Pink shirt for me.

Last Thursday, I was feeling a lot sicker than I am today. So I'm glad that today is better! It doesn't help that the weather keeps pooping out at the end of the week. I'm one of those people who thrives on sunshine; a gray day really brings me down. Let's hope there's sun in the forecast for the rest of the weekend!

So that does it for the "update" aspect of this post. Now we can move on to the three topics on my mind. Go get a drink, have a stretch, make a phone call. This could take a while.

Topic One: How to Live in a World that Is Trying to Kill You

OK, the title is probably a little more dramatic than the actual situation. But here's what I've been thinking about. Stressing about. Obsessing about.

My genetic test came back negative for BRCA1 and BRCA2 genetic mutations. Apparently not that many young breast cancer patients actually test positive for the gene mutation, which is contrary to what many would think. So as far as we can tell, my cancer is not genetic.

This leaves me wondering why I have breast cancer. And why I have it now. I'd like to think that my lifestyle hasn't been bad enough to warrant cancer. And even if it was, it would have been only, say, 7 years since I left home and was "taking care of myself." Could I really have done enough damage to give myself cancer at 25?

I've been told to just let it go, to quit wondering why I have cancer. It's not like I wonder about it all the time, but it would be really nice to know why this is happening to me, and why now. And the worry that has consumed my mind is whether the world, and our global situation, is killing people.

I keep hearing about how there are all sorts of products out there that are causing cancer. And how refined sugars and bleached flours and processed foods are making people sick. And there's pollution in the air. And in the water. And who knows what kind of long-term side effects some medicines have. I feel like everything is unhealthy. Today I had a lot of trouble trying to eat because everything I came up with was bad for one reason or another. Too much sugar. Fried. Too fatty. Has soy. Might have come from a hormone-injected animal. Pesticides. Even supplemental vitamin C is being researched to see if it helps protect cancer while protecting other cells.

If changing small things, like my diet, can help me ward off cancer, that's great. But what if it's something bigger that's causing an increase in cancer? What if it's the environment?

There don't seem to be any easy answers to this, and it has me worried. I mean, why waste time eating a special and ultra-boring diet if breathing the air and drinking the water is what's killing us? I remember not so long ago my response when someone would tell me something (anything) is a carcinogen. I would flippantly respond with "Everything causes cancer." I didn't give a crap back then (ummm 75 days ago). Now I'm terrified I was right. How am I, or really, how are we supposed to live in a world that might just be toxic to human beings?

Mostly I just never want to deal with cancer ever again ever in my life EVER. NEVER.

Topic Two: Concern That I'm Wasting My Life

This is the topic that inspired the title of this post, "Thursday. Already!" During treatment, I feel like I'm just waiting for time to pass. I want time to fly by and disappear in a cartoon-like whoosh, and then to find myself, smiling, healthy, "cured," at the end of this dark tunnel, ready to live my life again.

I sorta feel like I've "checked out" a little bit. Like I'm not really participating in my own life, just waiting for the icky part to pass me by. Sorta numb, almost. I guess I feel like I should be doing more, experiencing more. I mean, if anything, I'm learning how precious life is, each and every day. So why am I not actively out there enjoying it, absorbing life's gifts and pleasures?

Oh yeah, maybe it has to do with the toxic medicine swirling around in my body. I guess that's a decent excuse.

There's also this feeling inside that this is not my life. My life is easy and great and fun and exciting, and this life is not fun and not easy and scary and icky and really boring sometimes. But I know I'll be getting back to my good life. It'll be a little bit. But I know when I'm done, I'll be like "whoa, that seemed kinda fast." I just look forward to that day.

In the long run, I'm happy that time is passing relatively quickly. Can you believe I had my first chemo infusion almost two months ago???

Also, I've noticed that my thumbnails and big toenails are starting to turn dark at the bases. Blackish. It's gross. Whatever. I should have a showcase to highlight every "side effect of the week."

Topic Three: A Year Ago Now-ish

Maybe it's the birthday. Maybe it's the Peacemakers. But something is making me think back to what was going on a year ago from about now, and how much better that was than this.

A year ago now-ish, I was getting ready to go to Circus Mexicus, Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers' big show in Mexico, with a great friend. This year, no one wanted to go with me, and everyone was scared that I'd end up needing a hospital on the wrong side of the border. I really wish I was going! Oh well. It's better this way, and I am going to California.

This time last year, I was happy about recently being promoted (to a job I ended up hating). I was excited about meeting a guy (who turned out to be bad for me). I changed apartments (to a way nicer place with a cool roommate/landlady!). And I went to San Francisco (which I'm doing again YAY!).

So some of it is the same, and some of it is different; some was good and some was bad. But mostly, that was my life before cancer. I wonder if I had cancer then, actually. Who knows.

Sometimes I worry I'll never be the same person I was before cancer, and that I didn't really get a fair chance to be the "normal" me for very long. I worry I'll change... that I'm changing... and that I'll look back and wish I was still the same. Even worse, I worry that I'll look back and not even remember the person I used to be. OK, enough worry for today.

I wish I had nose hairs so that when I get upset and cry a little, snot would stay in my nose better. Ha.

I can't wait until it's next year, this time. I think I will have a lot more to celebrate.

Life comes at ya fast.

But anyway, the major point of this post was to say HOORAY I'M FEELING DECENT TODAY, AND CHEERS TO HAVING A GREAT WEEKEND! I'm going shopping on Saturday, Racing for a Cure on Sunday, going to the dermatologist on Monday for these yucky bumps, infusing Chemo 10 on Tuesday, and flying to California, baby, on Wednesday!