Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
The Day That Would Never Come... Is HERE!
I can't believe my last infusion is upon us! At the beginning, I kept envisioning myself at the end, thinking that these past 5 months passed by quickly. While I don't really feel exactly that way, at the same time I am surprised to find myself finally here. Though I haven't spent a lot of time reflecting on everything, I have come to realize that I've learned a lot in the past few months.
The most wonderful thing I've learned is that there are a lot of people out there who care about me. I've also learned a lot about friendship. Most of what I've learned has been positive, but there were some real downers along the way. I now know what I need from a friendship for me to consider it real and true. I've learned that ex-boyfriends will probably never be good friends. And I've learned that when faced with a challenging and difficult situation, some friends will fail. But friends whom you never imagined cared so much will step up and be there when you need them. It's funny; some friends I've expected very little of and asked for very little, but got everything I needed from them. And the close ones I've expected more from. I wonder sometimes if that's fair, but in the end, good friends will always be there when you need them.
That probably sounded really selfish and "everything is about me Me ME!" but in a time like this, it is essential to be real to yourself about what you really need. At the beginning of this adventure (I hardly think of it that way now; I look back on the beginning of this blog and think... dang I was spunky!), there were so many people who told me to "take care of me right now." But I was worried about everyone around me, too. In the end, that faded, and I took on treatment like a woman warrior, looking out for me. It's too difficult a time to stress about how everyone else is holding up, or to be putting yourself in bad situations. I realized I could no longer accept any drama that was leading nowhere and making me feel bad. This ended up meaning cutting some people out of my life. But if someone wants to kick you while you're down (which is certainly how I felt sometimes... but didn't discuss it here because I didn't want my blog to go in that direction), the you have to kick them out of your life. I'm sure this is hard to understand for a lot of people, but I think my fellow survivor friends know what I'm talking about. Anyway, out with the bad. In with the good.
It's a strange lesson I've learned, an interesting dichotomy. I've learned a lot about my own personal solidarity because I now know just how strong I am and that I can and have survived chemotherapy treatment (well, as of tomorrow... heh...). But I've also learned that I need people in my life and I can ask for help and not appear pathetic. Mostly the help I've asked for involves me doing something fun and crashing at somebody's place. I've learned to take people up on their offers because they usually meant it, and if they didn't, well... they shouldn't have said it in the first place!
After the big fight (chemo) has been fought, my treatment still won't be totally complete because I still have surgery and radiation to look forward to. The next phase, the one that follows active treatment, will be considerably difficult as well. You see, cancer isn't like a normal owie. You don't treat it and then WHAMMO you're cured. Once I live for five years, THEN I can be considered cured. But there are no guarantees in life, nor are there with cancer. But it is very rare for a triple negative breast cancer to recur after five years. So if I can just keep on keepin' on for five years... I'll hopefully not only make it to thirty, but have long hair and be cured of cancer! I think at that point, I will finally exhale and really know I'm going to live a long time. Like Tom Petty said, "The waiting is the hardest part."
Well, enough of my rantings and ravings and reflections. Tomorrow is a big day, and I'd better get ready for it and get to bed! Thanks for listening, and as always, THANK YOU for your support!
The most wonderful thing I've learned is that there are a lot of people out there who care about me. I've also learned a lot about friendship. Most of what I've learned has been positive, but there were some real downers along the way. I now know what I need from a friendship for me to consider it real and true. I've learned that ex-boyfriends will probably never be good friends. And I've learned that when faced with a challenging and difficult situation, some friends will fail. But friends whom you never imagined cared so much will step up and be there when you need them. It's funny; some friends I've expected very little of and asked for very little, but got everything I needed from them. And the close ones I've expected more from. I wonder sometimes if that's fair, but in the end, good friends will always be there when you need them.
That probably sounded really selfish and "everything is about me Me ME!" but in a time like this, it is essential to be real to yourself about what you really need. At the beginning of this adventure (I hardly think of it that way now; I look back on the beginning of this blog and think... dang I was spunky!), there were so many people who told me to "take care of me right now." But I was worried about everyone around me, too. In the end, that faded, and I took on treatment like a woman warrior, looking out for me. It's too difficult a time to stress about how everyone else is holding up, or to be putting yourself in bad situations. I realized I could no longer accept any drama that was leading nowhere and making me feel bad. This ended up meaning cutting some people out of my life. But if someone wants to kick you while you're down (which is certainly how I felt sometimes... but didn't discuss it here because I didn't want my blog to go in that direction), the you have to kick them out of your life. I'm sure this is hard to understand for a lot of people, but I think my fellow survivor friends know what I'm talking about. Anyway, out with the bad. In with the good.
It's a strange lesson I've learned, an interesting dichotomy. I've learned a lot about my own personal solidarity because I now know just how strong I am and that I can and have survived chemotherapy treatment (well, as of tomorrow... heh...). But I've also learned that I need people in my life and I can ask for help and not appear pathetic. Mostly the help I've asked for involves me doing something fun and crashing at somebody's place. I've learned to take people up on their offers because they usually meant it, and if they didn't, well... they shouldn't have said it in the first place!
After the big fight (chemo) has been fought, my treatment still won't be totally complete because I still have surgery and radiation to look forward to. The next phase, the one that follows active treatment, will be considerably difficult as well. You see, cancer isn't like a normal owie. You don't treat it and then WHAMMO you're cured. Once I live for five years, THEN I can be considered cured. But there are no guarantees in life, nor are there with cancer. But it is very rare for a triple negative breast cancer to recur after five years. So if I can just keep on keepin' on for five years... I'll hopefully not only make it to thirty, but have long hair and be cured of cancer! I think at that point, I will finally exhale and really know I'm going to live a long time. Like Tom Petty said, "The waiting is the hardest part."
Well, enough of my rantings and ravings and reflections. Tomorrow is a big day, and I'd better get ready for it and get to bed! Thanks for listening, and as always, THANK YOU for your support!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Finishing Chemo with a Tan
Hey all, just a quick one to let you know that I'm back from Mexico and had a marvelous time! Nothing bad happened health-wise, except for a bit of a grumpy stomach, which I think comes naturally after a week in Mexico.
Every day was drenched in sunshine, and I got to swim in the Caribbean every full day we were there. There was some snorkeling, lots of reading, tons of relaxing, a little tanning, and most of all, very frequent eating. It was wonderful! Being around the whole family for the week was fantastic, not stressful at all, and the whole vacation took my mind away from all thoughts of cancer. Being back, it still isn't on my mind full time. I think that will change with my upcoming treatment, but it's nice to feel like my brain has been refreshed by the warm, salty breeze of Playa del Carmen.
I took pictures, of course, but we're having Internet issues at home. I'm currently blogcasting (a word?) to you from a coffee shop downtown, and I forgot to bring my camera to upload the pix. Ah, manana (imagine a squiggly line above that first "n" please).
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas; I know I did, though it was certainly non-traditional. I think I had fajitas for Christmas dinner? Anyway, while you're at it, have a happy New Year's too. FEC #4 is on Dec. 30, so I'm guessing I'll be down for the count on New Year's Eve. But that's OK, I don't have anyone around I'd really like to kiss at midnight, and I'm doing the best I can to shy away from the booze. Without the kiss and the drinks, what's left to make a New Year's Eve special? Exactly.
As far as that ultrasound I had before I left goes, I still didn't get any clarification at my appointment because the report hadn't made its way to the oncologist's office yet. I have an appointment tomorrow with my actual oncologist, whom I haven't seen in what feels like forever, and will hopefully be able to report back more information then.
I can't believe chemo will be over after I recover from this last one. 5 months flies by when you're feeling like crap! I've learned many a lesson from this experience, but alas, that will have to be saved for another time, another post.
Until then, be merry!
(BTW, my eyebrows are coming in nicely!)
Every day was drenched in sunshine, and I got to swim in the Caribbean every full day we were there. There was some snorkeling, lots of reading, tons of relaxing, a little tanning, and most of all, very frequent eating. It was wonderful! Being around the whole family for the week was fantastic, not stressful at all, and the whole vacation took my mind away from all thoughts of cancer. Being back, it still isn't on my mind full time. I think that will change with my upcoming treatment, but it's nice to feel like my brain has been refreshed by the warm, salty breeze of Playa del Carmen.
I took pictures, of course, but we're having Internet issues at home. I'm currently blogcasting (a word?) to you from a coffee shop downtown, and I forgot to bring my camera to upload the pix. Ah, manana (imagine a squiggly line above that first "n" please).
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas; I know I did, though it was certainly non-traditional. I think I had fajitas for Christmas dinner? Anyway, while you're at it, have a happy New Year's too. FEC #4 is on Dec. 30, so I'm guessing I'll be down for the count on New Year's Eve. But that's OK, I don't have anyone around I'd really like to kiss at midnight, and I'm doing the best I can to shy away from the booze. Without the kiss and the drinks, what's left to make a New Year's Eve special? Exactly.
As far as that ultrasound I had before I left goes, I still didn't get any clarification at my appointment because the report hadn't made its way to the oncologist's office yet. I have an appointment tomorrow with my actual oncologist, whom I haven't seen in what feels like forever, and will hopefully be able to report back more information then.
I can't believe chemo will be over after I recover from this last one. 5 months flies by when you're feeling like crap! I've learned many a lesson from this experience, but alas, that will have to be saved for another time, another post.
Until then, be merry!
(BTW, my eyebrows are coming in nicely!)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Not Clear
I'm not really clear on my results, but to relieve any fears, there seems to be nothing new or growing, so that's good.
But they're still there...
Hopefully I'll understand more after my appointment tomorrow.
But they're still there...
Hopefully I'll understand more after my appointment tomorrow.
On Meeting New People
Last night I went out socially for the first time in a long time. I went out alone for the first time in a longer time. It's not exactly that I've become anti-social or anything, just with the timing of going skiing for a week, treatment, and then getting this cold, I haven't been feeling up for too much socialization. But it's just because I've been feeling physically drained, not because I have any aims to become a social recluse. I don't.
So a friend from online wanted to meet up, and he invited me to hang out with the Outdoor Club, a group from CSU who like to do outdoorsy things. I'd blown off meeting up with this guy a few times before but was out of excuses for being lame last night, so I figured, what the heck, life is short, why not meet some more people who like to ski? At the very least, maybe I could meet some people in Fort Collins who like to ski and can give me a ride up to WP sometimes.
It was really awkward and difficult at first because I didn't know ANYBODY at this gathering and just sorta... showed up. I'm a pretty social person and don't feel super uncomfortable meeting new people, but it's not easy to show up and not know anyone in a large group. Anyway, I sat myself down at a table with an open seat and talked to some people. In the end, I met a lot of really nice people who are definitely into skiing, which is always a great thing to have in common. I had a really good time.
But there's one thing that I still don't exactly know how to handle, and that's meeting new people and dealing with the whole cancer thing. I think it might be easier for other people because, while cancer rocks anyone's world when diagnosed, mine was rocked a little extra because I had to move and quit my job. So when I meet people, they often ask questions like, "What do you do?" or "Why did you move back?" I don't always want to get into it all with people I don't know very well (especially a big group); mostly I don't want people to treat me differently. Also, I don't like talking about it all the time. It's not shame or embarrassment really; it's just a personal thing and I hate that to be one of the first things they learn about me; I'm so much more than a disease. I'd rather be "Carrie" instead of "Oh, you mean Cancer Girl?"
So the alternative to getting into it all is answering "What do you do?" with "Not a whole lot." And that makes me sound like a loser. But it also doesn't invite strangers to ask many more questions. I don't regret my decision to not get another job-- it was an impossible time to begin with, and I had no idea what treatment would be like. And I don't plan on staying here forever, so...
Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how to deal with meeting new people and "the cancer thing," please let me know. I'll take any advice I can get on this one!
OK, now I'm off to my imaging appointment. I'll post any results I get later tonight. Wish me well!
So a friend from online wanted to meet up, and he invited me to hang out with the Outdoor Club, a group from CSU who like to do outdoorsy things. I'd blown off meeting up with this guy a few times before but was out of excuses for being lame last night, so I figured, what the heck, life is short, why not meet some more people who like to ski? At the very least, maybe I could meet some people in Fort Collins who like to ski and can give me a ride up to WP sometimes.
It was really awkward and difficult at first because I didn't know ANYBODY at this gathering and just sorta... showed up. I'm a pretty social person and don't feel super uncomfortable meeting new people, but it's not easy to show up and not know anyone in a large group. Anyway, I sat myself down at a table with an open seat and talked to some people. In the end, I met a lot of really nice people who are definitely into skiing, which is always a great thing to have in common. I had a really good time.
But there's one thing that I still don't exactly know how to handle, and that's meeting new people and dealing with the whole cancer thing. I think it might be easier for other people because, while cancer rocks anyone's world when diagnosed, mine was rocked a little extra because I had to move and quit my job. So when I meet people, they often ask questions like, "What do you do?" or "Why did you move back?" I don't always want to get into it all with people I don't know very well (especially a big group); mostly I don't want people to treat me differently. Also, I don't like talking about it all the time. It's not shame or embarrassment really; it's just a personal thing and I hate that to be one of the first things they learn about me; I'm so much more than a disease. I'd rather be "Carrie" instead of "Oh, you mean Cancer Girl?"
So the alternative to getting into it all is answering "What do you do?" with "Not a whole lot." And that makes me sound like a loser. But it also doesn't invite strangers to ask many more questions. I don't regret my decision to not get another job-- it was an impossible time to begin with, and I had no idea what treatment would be like. And I don't plan on staying here forever, so...
Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how to deal with meeting new people and "the cancer thing," please let me know. I'll take any advice I can get on this one!
OK, now I'm off to my imaging appointment. I'll post any results I get later tonight. Wish me well!
Monday, December 15, 2008
I Need a Free Pass
You know, you'd think that when life is giving you lemons, the cosmic powers would somehow give you a free pass from the rest of life's little problems. For example, I have a cold, and I think it's unfair that I have to spend my "good days" feeling icky. But then again, it's probably all my fault.
Since I last posted, I had been feeling shockingly good. I was expecting and dreading about 5 days with "The Ghost," but the darn ghost didn't show up. Thank God! I slept my 20 hours after infusion and woke up Wednesday feeling pretty decent. Thursday was pretty good too. And I knew by Friday I'd probably be feeling back to "normal."
Susan and Nate were planning on going skiing Friday, and I told them I probably couldn't go because I wouldn't be feeling so great. But Thursday evening I was feeling stronger and stronger, and the thought of people skiing without me was too much to bear. And I figured that having a so-so feeling day skiing always beats a so-so feeling day in Fort Collins. So at 4 a.m. on Friday morning, I put on my slippers and went out to my car to take my ski boots out of the trunk. I put them in front of a heat vent inside the house so they'd warm up. I set my alarm for 6:30 and tried to sleep, but was really excited about skiing!
Friday was my first ski day as a Front Ranger in four seasons. I did go for a week a while back, but this was my first day trip, so it brought back lots of memories. It was definitely weird. But we had a nice day skiing, if not short. We took it pretty easy, but I got to wiggle my way down some "moguls" (in quotes because they were just babies) which always lands a grin on this skiing fanatic's mug. Susan twisted her knee and ran into me, so we took the rest of the afternoon pretty easy. In all actuality, we probably skied about 2.5 total hours. But I got to visit with Janet, which is always fantastic, and ski with Matt, which is also always fantastic.
But then when we were headed home, it became apparent that I had caught a cold. I spent the whole weekend just sorta lounging around the house and feeling crappy. I was so mad at myself for getting sick because it was so obviously a bad idea to go skiing so soon after treatment. It was such a bummer to feel sick when I should be feeling well! But in the end, I don't regret going, and of course, I can't wait to go again.
I don't know if everyone knows this or not, but I'm going to Mexico soon! Two years ago, we went to Mexico for Christmas as a family and had a great time. We've been planning this trip for a while now, i.e. before we knew I have cancer. I'm a little nervous to be going out of the country while I'm still in treatment, but my oncologist's office wrote me a prescription for some antibiotics in case anything happens. And it's a good week to be going-- the last week before my last treatment! It's so ridiculously cold here (-2 degrees) that I can hardly wait to be somewhere tropical! It'll be nice to relax on the beach and eat Mexican food. Everyone say their prayers that Montezuma doesn't take any of his revenge on me!
Once I get back, I have just three days until my last treatment. Can you believe it? We're finally reaching the end of chemotherapy. December 30, the day I thought would never come, is only 15 days away. I have some mixed feelings about it, but mostly relief. Well, there's also this other thing...
I have been kinda worried that my tumor has been growing or something. It seemed like I couldn't feel anything after Taxol, but now if I push pretty hard I can feel something. My onc nurse felt it after much trying, but she said she wasn't worried about it from a pathological standpoint. That was good to hear, but then again, that's what my PA said way back in July and look where it landed me. Anyway, she talked with my doctor and they're letting me have some imaging done-- mammogram and ultrasound-- to check it out. I'm not obsessing or freaking out, but I'm a little worried about what they're going to find. I really hope it's nothing, and that when they look for my tumors, they find nothing left. Wouldn't that be great? I really hope they're at least smaller. What I'm very afraid of is that they'll find some sort of change or growth, and that "they" will tell me I have to do more chemo. I really don't want that to happen. I really hope they look and can't find anything at all. Scary scary scary.
Going into my last treatment, now I have no idea what to expect. The first one was absolutely terrible, and the second one was pretty bad too. The third was a breeze. But the last treatment has the reputation of being the hardest, as chemo has a cumulative effect on people. It would be really nice to just be down for a day again and then come out of it like nothing happened. I guess in a way I feel worried that the last treatment didn't "work" because I didn't feel awful. Maybe my body is just getting used to chemo and has become more efficient at getting it out of my system. I have no idea. But it would be nice if the last one was as easy as the third and I could go skiing shortly after.
And after that, a new chapter will begin in this adventure...
Since I last posted, I had been feeling shockingly good. I was expecting and dreading about 5 days with "The Ghost," but the darn ghost didn't show up. Thank God! I slept my 20 hours after infusion and woke up Wednesday feeling pretty decent. Thursday was pretty good too. And I knew by Friday I'd probably be feeling back to "normal."
Susan and Nate were planning on going skiing Friday, and I told them I probably couldn't go because I wouldn't be feeling so great. But Thursday evening I was feeling stronger and stronger, and the thought of people skiing without me was too much to bear. And I figured that having a so-so feeling day skiing always beats a so-so feeling day in Fort Collins. So at 4 a.m. on Friday morning, I put on my slippers and went out to my car to take my ski boots out of the trunk. I put them in front of a heat vent inside the house so they'd warm up. I set my alarm for 6:30 and tried to sleep, but was really excited about skiing!
Friday was my first ski day as a Front Ranger in four seasons. I did go for a week a while back, but this was my first day trip, so it brought back lots of memories. It was definitely weird. But we had a nice day skiing, if not short. We took it pretty easy, but I got to wiggle my way down some "moguls" (in quotes because they were just babies) which always lands a grin on this skiing fanatic's mug. Susan twisted her knee and ran into me, so we took the rest of the afternoon pretty easy. In all actuality, we probably skied about 2.5 total hours. But I got to visit with Janet, which is always fantastic, and ski with Matt, which is also always fantastic.
But then when we were headed home, it became apparent that I had caught a cold. I spent the whole weekend just sorta lounging around the house and feeling crappy. I was so mad at myself for getting sick because it was so obviously a bad idea to go skiing so soon after treatment. It was such a bummer to feel sick when I should be feeling well! But in the end, I don't regret going, and of course, I can't wait to go again.
I don't know if everyone knows this or not, but I'm going to Mexico soon! Two years ago, we went to Mexico for Christmas as a family and had a great time. We've been planning this trip for a while now, i.e. before we knew I have cancer. I'm a little nervous to be going out of the country while I'm still in treatment, but my oncologist's office wrote me a prescription for some antibiotics in case anything happens. And it's a good week to be going-- the last week before my last treatment! It's so ridiculously cold here (-2 degrees) that I can hardly wait to be somewhere tropical! It'll be nice to relax on the beach and eat Mexican food. Everyone say their prayers that Montezuma doesn't take any of his revenge on me!
Once I get back, I have just three days until my last treatment. Can you believe it? We're finally reaching the end of chemotherapy. December 30, the day I thought would never come, is only 15 days away. I have some mixed feelings about it, but mostly relief. Well, there's also this other thing...
I have been kinda worried that my tumor has been growing or something. It seemed like I couldn't feel anything after Taxol, but now if I push pretty hard I can feel something. My onc nurse felt it after much trying, but she said she wasn't worried about it from a pathological standpoint. That was good to hear, but then again, that's what my PA said way back in July and look where it landed me. Anyway, she talked with my doctor and they're letting me have some imaging done-- mammogram and ultrasound-- to check it out. I'm not obsessing or freaking out, but I'm a little worried about what they're going to find. I really hope it's nothing, and that when they look for my tumors, they find nothing left. Wouldn't that be great? I really hope they're at least smaller. What I'm very afraid of is that they'll find some sort of change or growth, and that "they" will tell me I have to do more chemo. I really don't want that to happen. I really hope they look and can't find anything at all. Scary scary scary.
Going into my last treatment, now I have no idea what to expect. The first one was absolutely terrible, and the second one was pretty bad too. The third was a breeze. But the last treatment has the reputation of being the hardest, as chemo has a cumulative effect on people. It would be really nice to just be down for a day again and then come out of it like nothing happened. I guess in a way I feel worried that the last treatment didn't "work" because I didn't feel awful. Maybe my body is just getting used to chemo and has become more efficient at getting it out of my system. I have no idea. But it would be nice if the last one was as easy as the third and I could go skiing shortly after.
And after that, a new chapter will begin in this adventure...
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Super Bald!
I noticed it's been a while since I updated the blog with a current photo of my baldness. I have very little left, and I'm feeling pretty brave to show you my baldness...
But here goes... No makeup, no hair, no nothing!
And here are some cool and festive gel cling decorations that I got at Albertson's for just $1.50!
Post-Chemo Update
Hey yous guys! Guess what? I should be feeling like a puddle of slime, but I actually feel pretty good. I don't know why; maybe the slimy feeling is waiting for later. Or maybe I have become superwoman and am impervious to side effects! Wouldn't that be great? I think maybe the skiing helped somehow-- moving my body and getting some of the extra icky stuff out my system. I don't feel GREAT, but I feel very decent. I'll probably rest and relax all day and go to bed really early again, but... so far no evidence of "The Ghost." This is awesome (so far)!
I went into the chemo place today to get my Neulasta shot and hydration. I've had about 5 liters of fluid today, 4 that I drank and 1 intravenously. And my mouth is still so dry! My sister and mom went out for me to get me a little humidifier, which might help. I hope it does. They also got me some more of this mouthwash that helps a little too. It's already so dry here... The dry mouth is a really annoying side effect.
I forgot to tell you guys about my hairs! I am growing hairs! I plucked my eyebrows for the first time in months the other day. And I can see my eyelashes returning-- they're all the same length and look funny! And there's a light crop of short hairs returning to my scalp. Will they stay? Who knows!??!? But it's exciting to see them there anyway!
Well, keep your fingers crossed, or send positive vibrations, or pray for me that the "Ghost" stays away this time! If it does, I might go ski on Friday (pushing it, I know, and I doubt it'll happen...). Love you all!
I went into the chemo place today to get my Neulasta shot and hydration. I've had about 5 liters of fluid today, 4 that I drank and 1 intravenously. And my mouth is still so dry! My sister and mom went out for me to get me a little humidifier, which might help. I hope it does. They also got me some more of this mouthwash that helps a little too. It's already so dry here... The dry mouth is a really annoying side effect.
I forgot to tell you guys about my hairs! I am growing hairs! I plucked my eyebrows for the first time in months the other day. And I can see my eyelashes returning-- they're all the same length and look funny! And there's a light crop of short hairs returning to my scalp. Will they stay? Who knows!??!? But it's exciting to see them there anyway!
Well, keep your fingers crossed, or send positive vibrations, or pray for me that the "Ghost" stays away this time! If it does, I might go ski on Friday (pushing it, I know, and I doubt it'll happen...). Love you all!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Pre-Chemo Update!
Hey all! Sorry to have left you in the dark for so long. I looked over my blog and my last post was almost two weeks ago! Time flies when you're feelin' good. Seriously.
Tomorrow is FEC #3, so I wanted to make sure that everything here is up to date before I go into "Ghost and Shadow" time. This is the first time I'm really dreading chemo and time after. Usually I'm excited to get it all over with. This time I would rather just keep feeling good. But the exciting thing about it is that tomorrow is my second-to-last infusion, and in 22 days, I'll be having my last infusion. I might not (actually, I definitely will not) have a fun New Year's Eve, but I will be starting 2009 chemo free (side effects not included).
It's hard to believe that chemotherapy treatment is coming to an end. I really can finally feel that the end is in sight. The light at the end of the tunnel. A parting of the clouds in this shit storm.
My plan is to ask for an extra bag of fluids when I go in Wednesday for my Neulasta shot. And then I'd like to get another 2 liters on Thursday, since getting 2 liters on Friday worked wonders on Saturday last treatment. I plan on feeling horrible and getting up to pee about 30 times a day, but hopefully it will make me feel better EVEN FASTER.
This is going to sound sick and wrong, but last treatment I was so sick that I lost my appetite completely (no vomiting, FYI), along with quite a few pounds. Of course, they all came back, and with my recent ski trip (I'll get that later) I'm feeling a little tubby. So I'm sort of looking forward to shedding a few pounds because I'll be too nasty feeling to eat. I know. Wrong. But if I have to have cancer, I'd rather be THIN and have cancer. ;)
Since I've been feeling pretty great, I hate that I have to feel REALLY yucky soon. But I have to do this. I don't really have a choice, so I should just grin and bear it. OK, more like grimace and bear it. We do what we have to do.
I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
OK, now that that's out of my system... we can catch up on what I've been doing as of late.
My family had a really nice Thanksgiving, sans only one member of the family, and Michael, we all missed you. My parents had gone out of town just before to visit him, so we had Thanksgiving dinner at my brother David and my sister-in-law Cristi's house for the first time. I was able to taste my dinner and it was delicious! And so was the pie we had for dessert, even if we didn't eat trashbagsful. I was pretty full by then.
After Thanksgiving, I went for a visit to Winter Park, the ski town I was living in before I had to move home for treatment. I left on Saturday and came home on Friday. I was supposed to come home Thursday because I had a follow-up appointment with my oncologist on Friday morning, but it was snowing pretty hard and all the roads were going to be pretty dangerous. I ended up rescheduling my appointment to tomorrow morning before chemo, but it's with my oncology nurse, not my oncologist.
I had such an awesome visit. It was so amazingly therapeutic for me! I had to BUY a season pass this year, which put a sizeable dent in my personal finances, but it's going to be well worth it. I've already made a commitment to ski as much as possible this year. I got in 6 days of early-season, screwing-around, easy skiing in. On my last day, they opened Cranmer, and I got to ski some fake bumps, which felt great. I am, however, in terrible shape and not that strong anymore, and Cranmer made that very clear to me. I would love to be in better shape by the next time I go up, but I have chemo to deal with.
What made my trip so wonderful? Well, for starters, I have a bunch of wonderful friends up in WP who take great care of me while I'm there. Friends were buying me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and the occasional drink, too. And two friends cooked me dinner, on separate nights! Males, nonetheless! And Kelsey, my super ex-roommate, and Valerie, her super new roommate, accommodated me quite comfortably on their living room couch. I ran into a bunch of people I knew, and it was good to say hi to everyone. I got to spend actual quality time with people, which was exciting because I used to be working all the time, leaving little time to spend hanging out with friends.
But most of all, while I was skiing, I wasn't thinking about cancer at all. I would go long periods of time on the hill and then realize, wait a second, I have cancer. I forgot about it. It was like I was back in my normal life. It was an amazing feeling of being carefree and "normal" again. Skiing to me is mentally curative; it will fix any of my mind's troubles.
Anyway, it's getting late and I'm tired. I should clean my room tonight but I don't know if it's worth it. I've been working on this post and chatting on my gmail for a good 3+ hours, so... I'd better wrap things up and get some rest.
Wish me a speedy recovery! And all the best to you!
Tomorrow is FEC #3, so I wanted to make sure that everything here is up to date before I go into "Ghost and Shadow" time. This is the first time I'm really dreading chemo and time after. Usually I'm excited to get it all over with. This time I would rather just keep feeling good. But the exciting thing about it is that tomorrow is my second-to-last infusion, and in 22 days, I'll be having my last infusion. I might not (actually, I definitely will not) have a fun New Year's Eve, but I will be starting 2009 chemo free (side effects not included).
It's hard to believe that chemotherapy treatment is coming to an end. I really can finally feel that the end is in sight. The light at the end of the tunnel. A parting of the clouds in this shit storm.
My plan is to ask for an extra bag of fluids when I go in Wednesday for my Neulasta shot. And then I'd like to get another 2 liters on Thursday, since getting 2 liters on Friday worked wonders on Saturday last treatment. I plan on feeling horrible and getting up to pee about 30 times a day, but hopefully it will make me feel better EVEN FASTER.
This is going to sound sick and wrong, but last treatment I was so sick that I lost my appetite completely (no vomiting, FYI), along with quite a few pounds. Of course, they all came back, and with my recent ski trip (I'll get that later) I'm feeling a little tubby. So I'm sort of looking forward to shedding a few pounds because I'll be too nasty feeling to eat. I know. Wrong. But if I have to have cancer, I'd rather be THIN and have cancer. ;)
Since I've been feeling pretty great, I hate that I have to feel REALLY yucky soon. But I have to do this. I don't really have a choice, so I should just grin and bear it. OK, more like grimace and bear it. We do what we have to do.
I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
OK, now that that's out of my system... we can catch up on what I've been doing as of late.
My family had a really nice Thanksgiving, sans only one member of the family, and Michael, we all missed you. My parents had gone out of town just before to visit him, so we had Thanksgiving dinner at my brother David and my sister-in-law Cristi's house for the first time. I was able to taste my dinner and it was delicious! And so was the pie we had for dessert, even if we didn't eat trashbagsful. I was pretty full by then.
After Thanksgiving, I went for a visit to Winter Park, the ski town I was living in before I had to move home for treatment. I left on Saturday and came home on Friday. I was supposed to come home Thursday because I had a follow-up appointment with my oncologist on Friday morning, but it was snowing pretty hard and all the roads were going to be pretty dangerous. I ended up rescheduling my appointment to tomorrow morning before chemo, but it's with my oncology nurse, not my oncologist.
I had such an awesome visit. It was so amazingly therapeutic for me! I had to BUY a season pass this year, which put a sizeable dent in my personal finances, but it's going to be well worth it. I've already made a commitment to ski as much as possible this year. I got in 6 days of early-season, screwing-around, easy skiing in. On my last day, they opened Cranmer, and I got to ski some fake bumps, which felt great. I am, however, in terrible shape and not that strong anymore, and Cranmer made that very clear to me. I would love to be in better shape by the next time I go up, but I have chemo to deal with.
What made my trip so wonderful? Well, for starters, I have a bunch of wonderful friends up in WP who take great care of me while I'm there. Friends were buying me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and the occasional drink, too. And two friends cooked me dinner, on separate nights! Males, nonetheless! And Kelsey, my super ex-roommate, and Valerie, her super new roommate, accommodated me quite comfortably on their living room couch. I ran into a bunch of people I knew, and it was good to say hi to everyone. I got to spend actual quality time with people, which was exciting because I used to be working all the time, leaving little time to spend hanging out with friends.
But most of all, while I was skiing, I wasn't thinking about cancer at all. I would go long periods of time on the hill and then realize, wait a second, I have cancer. I forgot about it. It was like I was back in my normal life. It was an amazing feeling of being carefree and "normal" again. Skiing to me is mentally curative; it will fix any of my mind's troubles.
Anyway, it's getting late and I'm tired. I should clean my room tonight but I don't know if it's worth it. I've been working on this post and chatting on my gmail for a good 3+ hours, so... I'd better wrap things up and get some rest.
Wish me a speedy recovery! And all the best to you!
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