Your Lovely Baldy

So I'm gonna be brave here and post some ugly photos of me. At least I'm wearing makeup, which is a rare occurrence anymore.

My hair is almost all gone, but there's still some stragglers hanging on. I should probably shave it again, but that just sounds so messy. I think it'll all come out with the next round anyway.

From straight on, it's not that bad...

But from the side, it's more noticeable. Plus, I just took my hat off, which makes my hair squish down and I look even balder.

Here's me as "The Thinker." I'm sure Susan would find this hilarious-- "Chemo Brain" has slowed my thought process and she's very patient when I try to express myself. Not much of a "thinker" anymore.

I miss my hair! Here's a blast from the past to remember what I looked like WITH hair... I believe I was 23 in this picture? Hard to say...

Aw, look at that girl. She has no idea what's coming...

Ready for Chemo 9

Well, my last post was short and got 4 comments, so I'm postulating that the shorter the post, the more comments. Maybe my long posts exhaust my readers to the point that they can't muster a comment! Just kidding. But thanks to my commenters for commenting, and thanks to my readers for reading, and thanks to my supporters for supporting! And thanks to Auntie Judy, who just bridged the generation gap!

As you might have noticed, I had kind of a rough week this week. My side effects were just a little worse this week, which makes sense because chemotherapy is a cumulative process. That means that as I have more treatments, the effect piles up on itself, getting a little worse each time. I think that's true, but I'm hoping this week goes better than the last. And I hope the next week goes super duper awesome because I'm going to California! Wahooooo!

When I feel sick from the chemo, it really puts me into a bad, dark mood. Usually I'm pretty positive and happy, but when I feel sick it really makes me aware that I am sick. I don't like being a sick person. Sometimes I feel like the people around me think maybe this isn't so serious because I'm handling it pretty well (and my modesty helps... heh!) and I'm feeling pretty good usually. But this is a serious situation, a serious disease. When I really get down to thinking about it, I am truly fighting for my life here. If I were to have avoided going to the doctor, or if for whatever reason decided not to be treated, I would die. And that's just true. And that's also scary.

OK, enough of that scary stuff. I have my ninth chemo infusion this week, which is... two things. Amazing, because I don't feel like I've been doing "this whole thing" for two months already. Crappy, because I still have about three months left to go, and I feel like time will never pass fast enough. Anyway, Chemo 9 is tomorrow, and I'd appreciate some thoughts and prayers that I'll be back to feeling good this week. Then I have a little over a week to prepare for my trip, then Chemo 10, then CALIFORNIA, then MY BIRTHDAY, and then Chemo 11.

I gotta say, usually I'd be freaking out about how old 26 sounds, feels. But this year I feel young! So young! And I can attribute that to the fact that I have breast cancer, an old lady disease. Everyone with cancer that I see is old. Not always old like a grandma, but old like someone who could be a mom. Either way, older than yours truly. I'm gonna ask if there's any young people getting treatment at my place to see if I can go when they're there. Maybe I'll meet a guy. Hehehe, that would be... probably bad. But it would be nice to find some people my age going through treatment. We could be paranoid together about recurrences. I'd say we could hold each other's hair when we're puking, but... we could be bald together and commiserate about side effects. It might be normalizing.

I have an appointment today with Dr. M., my oncologist. I emailed her a zillion questions the other day, and she said that my questions were very good, but didn't lend themselves to email explanations. I'm excited to talk with her again and learn more things-- cancer is freakin' complicated! We might be able to talk about surgery again, which is very scary to me. I just really don't want to have to have a mastectomy. But if I do have to, then it would be nice to know now so I can start mentally accepting it. I'll tell you the answers to my questions once I know, and then you can be cancer-smart too.

It's amazing to think how much I know about breast cancer in comparison to what I knew about three months ago. I knew nothing before, and now I know all sorts of stuff. At Chemo Ocho, I was waiting (in the waiting room... imagine!) and overheard a phone conversation that a secretary was having with a potential new patient. They were talking about surgeons, and it was clear that this woman on the other end of the line was newly diagnosed. I thought back to when that was me, and it just wasn't so long ago. Really recent, actually! Just less than three months. And I imagined how scared and sad and upset and mad she must be. I just remember being there, how it sucked so much, and then I realized how much has happened to me since then, how far I've come. I also thought about how if I hadn't have met with Dr. S., my surgical second opinion, then I would probably be breastless now, never knowing that there would have been a chance I could have a lumpectomy after neo-adjuvant chemotherapy (that means chemo then surgery). I just wanted to grab the phone and tell this mystery woman, "I've been there and I'm still here! You'll get there. And get a second opinion!"

I'm gonna make myself look as pretty as I can get (not so easy without hair and weird acne breakout bumps all over my neck) and then take a picture of my balding self for you. Because I'm brave like that.

OK, now I'm going to "think." I put it in quotation marks because thinking is not what it once was for me. I have a lot of trouble concentrating, especially Wednesday through Friday or so. I need to make sure I can remember all my questions I want to ask. Well, at least for this week.

Oh yeah, before I go-- the Race for the Cure is this Sunday, October 5 (and Marc turns 26, but he'll be in Vegas so forget him! Ha!) and Susan, Kater and I are planning on staying in Denver Saturday night. We're all just going to register individually-- I think it's $30-- and walk together. If anyone wants to make a donation in my name (or in their name... or in anyone's name... or in no one's name... you get my drift), please do! Cuz cancer sucks, and CarrieHatesCancer! I'm a little fuzzy on the details, I know, but I'll get to calling people to make a plan. I'm really looking forward to it!

OK, Better Now

I'm feeling a little better now and I'm in a better mood. Finally!

Maybe it's because I got popcorn at Target today. You know how I feel about popcorn...!

Grrrr

OK, I'm ready to wake up from this nightmare now.

Chemo Ocho

One more day, beating cancer, it's Chemo Ocho! That's a rip-off of an RCPM "Turbo Ocho" song!

I had all these things that I wanted to say today, but I'm really having "chemo brain." Can't focus or remember for the life of me! Hmmmm!

Hopefully tomorrow I'll remember and be able to use my brain...

I've walked over 2 miles a day, every day, for well over a week! And it's making me feel good-- errrr... better!

Anyway, some things I can say about today:

• I forgot to put on my lidocaine number cream on my port site this morning. Oops! I'm acting like a newbie instead of someone who has had 7 previous infusions. It hurt a little, but not badly.
• My granulocytes (infection-fighting white blood cells) went down this week. :( They were at a whopping 2.9 last week, and they're at 2.1 this week. But that's still good!
• I asked my nurse a million questions this time. She's so nice-- a real angel! Anyway, tonight I will be taking 6 pills. UGH. One blood thinner, two sleeping pills, two antibiotics for all these bumps that appeared on my face, back and neck, and a Vitamin E for my stupid hot flashes. Good thing I have a big Nalgene (which I just knocked over... darn! Water everywhere!). I hope I don't drink too much and sleep too hard with my Ambien that I pee in my bed!!!! TMI?
• I wanted to sign up for a free exercise class at a gym here that offers a special cancer-folk workout class with a trainer, but they're worried about my port. So apparently avoid strength training but go for cardio. Hmph.
• I have two sores in my mouth that won't go away, so now I have instructions on what to do. I'm going to start with baking soda/salt mouthwash, and if that doesn't work, switch to Biotene, some sort of enzymatic mouthwash. And if that doesn't work, I have a prescription for another mouthwash with some number in it. And I bought special toothpaste, which is miracle stuff according to Big Brother.

I talked to another patient today. I usually don't do that much. I usually just show up, sit down, chemo-fy, and check out. But I think she likes to talk to me... I have no idea why, maybe she's just chatty. Anyway, she's in a really shit situation as far as cancer goes. I hope things look up for her. I have a feeling I'm going to meet a lot of people in scary situations. Please, let's all pray that this is a one shot deal for me, that we knock this out of the park and IT NEVER COMES BACK!

I think metastatic cancer is the scariest thing in the world to me right now. Actually, I think it will always be the scariest thing in the world to me.

I Wonder How That Happened...?

Somehow I neglected to write a post about the day I was diagnosed. So I wrote one, and it's waaaay back on July 16 ("My Date Which Will Live in Infamy"). So there!

I'm having a pretty decent week. The trick really is to get the hell out of bed early (hehehe that means before 10:00 a.m. for me...!) and make sure to move around. It helps so much. Every day this week I've walked at least two miles. I gotta keep it up, and I think it is helping me drop some of that extra 4-5 pounds I've added. Lemme tell ya, it's hard to tell yourself "No, you can't have dessert with every meal," when you can so easily follow it up with "OK, fine, you do have cancer, so what can it hurt?" A little walking, a little less indulgence, and things are starting to look a little better.

I think I need to clean my room. No, I know I need to clean my room. So I'll go work on that and quit avoiding the necessary! I might even go for a hike today... if not, an "urban hike," a.k.a. a walk...

Hot Hot Hot!

I have a new side effect that I think really sucks. So one side effect from chemo is decreased fertility. Which, in general, is fine, because I'm not really interested in using my fertility now or anytime soon. For a woman, decreased fertility can mean early menopause, which is hopefully temporary. So no periods for a while, which actually isn't so bad. The major concern is that my period won't come back and I won't be able to bear children in the future. Two of the doctors I've talked to (my oncologist and my surgeon) both seemed to think my period will come back. My oncologist, who is some sort of statistic fiend, said I have about an 80-85% chance of my period coming back, which I think is a pretty good chance.

I'm not really thinking about my fertility much. I would be upset to find myself sterile, but I'm not one of those girls who's always dreamed of having kids. I'm not necessarily sure that's what I want, and even if it were and I were unable to get pregnant, I could always adopt. It works pretty well from what I hear...

Anyway, the fertility thing isn't the crappy side effect. It's the hot flashes.

Naturally, along with the menopause (I was supposed to get my period over a week ago I think... didn't happen... sorry to all you people out there who really don't want to hear about my menstrual cycle... just part of the territory these days...) come the side effects of menopause, including hot flashes. When I mentioned them to the nurse on Tuesday, it was as if she was a psychic. She asked if I was having trouble sleeping because of them.

Yes. In fact I am.

The random flashes of feeling REALLY hot throughout the day aren't so bad. They don't last very long, and usually I'm wearing a jacket or something and can just take it off until I cool off. But I've been having trouble sleeping through the night because I wake up super hot and sweaty, similar to trying to sleep when you have a high fever. Before now, sleeping all the way through the night wasn't a problem. I hate waking up in the middle of the night. It really affects how rested I feel the next day.

I opened my window to try to keep it a little cooler for me. That's helped a little. It's funny; at first I didn't make the connection between my trouble sleeping and chemotherapy.

Hot flashes at age 25. That's a rich one.

California Or Bust (as if there weren't enough things going on with my bust!)

I received my 7th Taxol treatment on Tuesday. Whoo hoo! I'm on the downward slope of Taxol, which is great. I do feel like I'm making progress in finishing treatment. But it's long and slow. Luckily for me, I know some really cool people in California, and I just booked flights last night for a visit. I'm so excited! I'll be hanging out in Carmel for a few days and San Francisco for a few days. And the flights were really well priced-- two one-way tickets, Denver to San Jose and San Francisco to Denver, for $189!

So now I have about three weeks to look forward to my trip, or in other methods of time measurement, three treatments. After Chemo 10, I will enjoy six days of beaches, good food, and even better company! I can't wait! And the day after I return to good ol' Colorado, I will turn 26. CAKE! And ice cream! Cool! I think I'm going to have Chemo 11 moved to October 15 so I don't have to have an infusion on my birthday.

See, I told you October is a cool month! Race for the Cure, California Adventures, and Birthday! And Halloween! I'm thinking about going as Mr. Clean because I will be bald!

At my follow-up appointment, we talked about the next phase of chemotherapy drugs and side effects. Yuck. I'll tell you more about that in another post because my eyes are getting tired looking at the screen and you're probably getting bored too.

Until next time!

Race for the Cure

Hello again everyone!

As I mentioned (and will continue to mention for the next month), my birthday is in October, making October my very favorite month. But October is a special month for another reason; it's National Breast Cancer Awareness Month (how appropriate). Be sure to buy yourself a special bag of pink M&Ms to celebrate!

If you're looking for something to do to commemorate National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure is on Sunday, October 5 in Denver. I have loose plans on participating, but I was wondering if there are any of you out there who'd like to join me. Of course there's no pressure, but I thought maybe some of you might be interested.

Anyone?

The Moral of the Story

Today I wrote an email to someone I haven't talked to in a really long time. I consider her a friend, but I just now told her the news. There are quite a few people I consider friends but don't talk to very often. For this group of friends, I've sort of been waiting to tell them about my breast cancer saga until they contact me to say hello. I hope they don't feel ambushed or neglected; it's just that I don't feel like contacting someone I haven't spoken to in a long time just to say, "Hello! How've you been? Oh me? Cancer!"

Anyway, this got me thinking about why I tell people I have cancer. I mean, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed about it or anything. And I don't think of it as a secret. It's more just... personal. I read a book called "I Am Not My Breast Cancer," (and by "read," I mean flipped through-- it was a downer...) and some of the survivors said they hardly told anyone about their cancer. Some kept it just to their families, some told a few people at work. I don't think I could do that. Especially because I would have to lie about certain things and wear a wig. Like when friends ask how Winter Park is. I guess I could just say I moved and leave it at that. Hm. But I didn't want to leave Winter Park.

I tell people because I think they care and they'd want to know. And I think having more friends thinking about me and praying for me can't hurt. But a really important reason I tell people, and I don't think I've emphasized this much, is that I think every woman needs to know that breast cancer is something that can and does happen, even to really healthy women, even to really young women, even to me. The new statistic is that 1 in every 8 women will have breast cancer in her life. That's a pretty high number. I guess I haven't gotten on my soapbox to tell my friends this important message; I thought they'd deduce for themselves that if I can end up with breast cancer, they, too, could develop breast cancer. It's very unlikely, thank goodness, but I want every single one of you women out there to be aware of the chance. I want to make sure all of you are taking good care of yourselves!

So get to know your boobs, girls! I will openly admit that every time I went for my yearly exam at the gynecologist's office, she would ask if I performed monthly self exams. And I didn't. I always thought I should, but never really got down to doing it every month. It just didn't seem that important. And I don't know if I would have caught this earlier if I did perform monthly self exams, but I wonder. It's not that you'll be looking for a lump, but it's really important to know what's going on in there so you can notice changes.

Sometimes I wish that having cancer was like the chicken pox-- you can only get it once and then you're good for life. But I know it's not that way, almost the opposite. I just don't want to live my life scared of getting cancer again. I also wish the "1 in 8 women" statistic meant that 7 of my friends would be spared. I would bear this burden more happily if it meant I could keep 7 of my friends breast cancer free!

It's funny-- every time I tell someone new about my breast cancer situation, it's like I'm re-living the whole scenario. Not in a bad way, I just feel like I can't believe it. It's so unreal to me still sometimes. I have cancer? I have breast cancer? Whoa. No wait, really? REALLY? I can't believe that the story went the way it did. I was afraid that my lumps could be cancer, but somehow, looking back, I keep seeing all these times where it could have just been nothing. Like if my ultrasound showed cysts instead of tumors. Or if my biopsy came back negative. Or if somehow my sample got mixed up with someone else's.

It just goes to show us all that breast cancer does not discriminate. I still wonder why this is happening to me; why do I have cancer? I'm glad my genetic test was negative, but a positive result would have at least explained why I have breast cancer at age 25. Oh well.

Anyway, as far as my day-to-day goes, I've had a really good week this week. I dragged myself out of bed to meet my parents for breakfast (They go out to breakfast every morning. I kid you not.) on Thursday and Friday, which are days I usually feel crappy. I normally sleep in on those days, but I found out, at least for this week, that if I get up, eat, and drink lots of fluids, I feel fine for the rest of the day. Looking back, I didn't take a single nap this week. And I felt pretty good for the most part. Wahoo! I'll have to try the same thing next week to see if this routine works.

Did I tell you my head makes me look like a baby bird? My hair is thin and sparse, like baby bird feathers. I'll post a picture soon (maybe) but I think it looks really ugly and gross. Hats hats hats! And my head itches a lot. What's that about?

Also important to note is that last Tuesday was Chemo 6. That's right, folks, 6 out of 12 Taxol treatments are done! The halfway mark of my Taxol treatments was celebrated with a nice Italian dinner with my sister and parents at Canino's... with chocolate cheesecake... yum! I think it's safe to say I'm about one third done with treatment. It's a little less than that, but it sounds good. I'm trying to plan a trip to California to visit some friends, but we'll see how that goes. It would be really nice to have a trip to look forward to, and to pass some time in sunny (or cloudy) California.

And even more importantly, my birthday is one month from today! Wahoo! I'm a huge birthday person; I love that there's a day devoted to the celebration of my birth. I thought 25 was the most awesome year of my life, but that only lasted for maybe 3 months. It got considerable less cool when I was diagnosed with cancer. And I wish I didn't have to start year 26 with cancer, but there's no way around it so I'll deal. 26: The Beginning of the Decline of My Twenties. Yipes. But I think this year will bring big things. I'm sure of it. I'm excited!

The Head Shaving Party (was a long time ago... I know...)

I know I promised pictures (and maybe someday video...) from my head shaving party. And I know that was over three weeks ago. So I apologize for the wait!

I just figured out how to load it on my blog! I'm a freakin' computer genius!

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading my blog. I really appreciate your support and your kind words mean more to me than you probably know. A special shout-out to my favorite Mountain Roses-- Gail, Beth, Sudi and Hailey. I want you guys to know that I receive and read every single one of your comments. And to you shy violets out there, please know you're welcome to leave me a comment anytime! I love and appreciate all of you supporters so much!

Pills Pills Pills

Today I didn't get out of bed until 1:45 p.m. Needless to say, I'm not feeling so great today. But that pretty much happens every week; Thursday-Saturday are usually the days I feel sick.

Chemo 5 went just fine on Tuesday. I had my purse stocked to the brim with stuff to entertain me and block out noise because the previous week's patients were loud and I couldn't sleep. I was semi-annoyed... But when I got there, the "noisy guy" was leaving as I was coming, so it didn't matter in the end.

On Monday, I noticed that my big toe on my left foot was hurting. I wanted to be really careful of whatever it was so that it wouldn't end up infected or anything. I thought maybe it was an ingrown toenail, but I've never had one of those, so I didn't know. My chemo nurse looked at it and said it looked fine, but that she'd ask what I should do about it. She told me to soak it in Epsom salt water and put Neosporin on it, and if it didn't clear up in by Thursday to call. Well, it still hurt yesterday, so I called. And the nurse called back and told me that I'd have to take antibiotics (again) and have it seen if it doesn't clear up by Monday.

Every time I have to take more pills, I get a little more annoyed and upset. It's really frustrating because I don't like taking medicine. This toe thing frustrates me because I know if I weren't receiving chemotherapy treatments, my body would be strong enough to fight off this little cut, or whatever it is. But because I'm in treatment, I just can't do it. My typically strong and healthy body has become a weak, incompetent, and unreliable piece of junk. My white blood cells have been kinda low for the last couple weeks, but at least they went up a little this week.

I just got off of antibiotics on Monday. They found some sort of bacteria in my urine, which apparently was something that some doctors would treat and some would not. Given my situation, we treated it just to be safe. The medicine seriously rocked my stomach system, which wasn't fun. I was really happy to be done with those pills, especially because I had to take them every 8 hours. It's hard to remember to do that, especially for two damn weeks! The new antibiotic is worse because I have to take it every 6 hours. Which means I have to set an alarm to wake up just to take it. At least it's just for a week. And I hope it works.

I know the toe thing is just a minor setback, but I don't like feeling like a weakling.

On Tuesday, I got a prescription for sleeping pills because I don't/can't sleep Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I took one on Tuesday and it really helped. I fell asleep quickly on Wednesday, but then tossed and turned all night. I'll take one both nights next week, I think; it really made a difference.

Since I'm already bitching and complaining and being a Debbie Downer (and it's even Friday!), I may as well go for the home run. My hair is coming out really fast now, and it's annoying and embarrassing and uncomfortable and upsetting. It gets on my neck, clothes and pillow, and it's itchy. And it gets everywhere else too-- on counters, on my face, everywhere. When I'm washing it, it looks like I just petted a shedding dog with a wet hand. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH! I'm glad my hair is so thick because I'd be bald by now if I had normal hair. I think I'll have someone shave it again because I can't stand all these little hairs. Although I think because they're a little longer, they cover a little more of my bare head...

I just really hate the feeling that the chemo is so strong and I'm becoming weaker such that my body can't continue to grow hair or even keep it in. It makes me seem... sick (well duh, I know). On the other hand, I guess I could say that since it's killing my hair, it's probably killing my cancer too... (Yay silver lining!)

Also, I feel like I'm getting fat, which is always a gross feeling. I was warned that a lot of people gain weight during treatment because they can't be as active. I was pretty active before all this because I waited tables all day and skied and stuff. But now I'm feeling good if I go for a 2-mile walk every once in a while. I don't know what exactly to do because I have to eat; I feel sick if I don't. And my body definitely needs food to rebuild itself. But I don't want to get fat! I feel disgusting enough as it is!

I was reading online about dating and relationships in respects to cancer and treatment, and I was so shocked and saddened to hear what some of these women have gone through. A few of them had boyfriends and husbands who cheated on them and left/divorced them during the treatment and recovery process. I couldn't believe it! It takes a strong man to stand by his partner through this, yeah, but to actually cause damage to someone who is already suffering? Sheesh. John Edwards is a jerk.

I was, at first, really bummed that things in my relationship didn't work out because I thought it would have been such a comfort to have support from a boyfriend. I guess I thought a boyfriend could be a supporter separate from family and friends, someone who was just for me. And someone who could tell me I am beautiful, even when I'm really not (seriously, the cancer patient look isn't a good one) and someone who could rub my shoulders when they hurt so much from the chemo. I wanted that kind of support.

To be fair and honest, the timing of things was extraordinarily bad because we broke up about a month before this whole cancer nonsense got started. I hoped we could work our ways back together and be there for each other during this difficult period, and we tried to stay friends. That didn't work out and caused more drama than I need in my life right now (or ever, really...). In the end, I'm glad not to be dealing with relationship problems, unforgivable betrayals, divorce, raising children, or anything. While it would be nice to have a significant other to battle breast cancer with, being single and surrounded by the strength and love of family and friends beats the hell out of trying to get well while dealing with a cheating scumbag.

Well, darlings, sorry about the downer of a post. But I feel better now! Enjoy the weekend!

For Lil Miss Haley (And Everyone Else!)

I felt really good today, like good for someone who isn't going through chemo! So naturally, I did some retail therapy today!

I bought some new necklaces (I thought the one I went in the store for was $186, so I kept shopping and found another one. But then it turned out that 186 was the product number, and it was only $15 or so, so I ended up getting both...), a blue Nalgene (BPA free!), and an apple cutter. I tried to find a hat because my hair is coming out a lot more now. And I also got... some super fun and crazy wigs!

So here's some photos, because Haley (the coolest 15-year-old on the planet!) asked for it!

So what do you think?

I'll talk to you guys about Chemo Cinco later... but nothing exciting happened...