My Date Which Will Live in Infamy

It's actually September 20 today, but I recently realized that I somehow neglected to write a post about the day I was diagnosed. I have no idea how this happened... it's sorta major! So I'll try to remember what happened...

I remember my arm was still really sore from my biopsy. I went over to my parents' house to hang out and watch episodes of the Gilmore Girls on DVD with my mom and sister. The results from my biopsy were supposed to be ready maybe late Thursday, but probably Friday. So when my cell phone rang and the Women's Clinic's phone number showed up, I was a little surprised and nervous. I answered and left the room, went upstairs and talked with a nurse.

She told me that my results were in and they were positive for Intraductal Carcinoma. She wasn't particularly comforting or apologetic or anything, which sort of surprised me, as I'm 25 and the diagnosis is pretty serious and life-changing. She told me she'd set up an appointment for me to meet with a surgeon and call back. I was shocked, but I didn't cry right then. I was just trying to keep it together so I could remember what she said and know what to do next.

After we hung up, I went downstairs and told my mom and sister the news. I couldn't help but cry, even though we sort of had a feeling this was going to happen. I didn't cry much or for long, but all three of us were pretty upset and scared I think.

I remember calling my dad pretty soon after that, and I think I must've called some other people. Informing people was a process that lasted throughout the day, and I didn't tell everyone right away. A weird feeling, for sure-- it was like I was telling people something I knew was true, but still somehow didn't believe. I still have trouble believing it even now, with a port in my arm, with very little hair on my head, with chemo drugs coursing through my veins.

I also remember googling Intraductal Carcinoma and feeling somewhat relieved. Here's a definition from the National Cancer Institute:

"intraductal
carcinoma (IN-truh-DUK-tul KAR-sih-NOH-muh)

A noninvasive condition in which
abnormal cells are found in the lining of a
breast duct. The abnormal cells
have not spread outside the duct to other
tissues in the breast. In some
cases, intraductal
carcinoma may become invasive
cancer and spread to other tissues, although
it is not known at this time how to
predict which lesions will become
invasive. Also called ductal carcinoma in situ
and DCIS."

In the end, the nurse on the phone told me the wrong cancer condition. Later on (maybe a day or two), my dad asked a doctor friend of his to recommend a surgeon, or moreover to see if his friend would recommend the same surgeon the nurse made me an appointment with. His friend was able to read my pathology report which said I had Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma, which is very different, and means that the cancer cells have spread outside of the breast duct, and often times into lymph nodes. This came as terrible news, another terrible shock. His friend told him, and then my dad told my mom and me that it meant I would have to have chemo and probably have to have a bilateral mastectomy. I cried again when I heard this news.

What a crappy day. I will never forget this date.