Right now I should be going through my closet and drawers, getting rid of everything I don't want or need anymore. I also should be moving my winter clothes out of storage and putting my summer clothes into storage. I've been meaning to do this for some time now, but keep putting it off. Lazy lazy. Instead, I'd rather blog... but luckily there's time in this day for both.
Sometimes I get down and think that my life really sucks right now. This doesn't happen so often anymore; I'm getting pretty used to what my life is and what it has become. I guess, in my own way, I've accepted that cancer is just going to have to be a part of my life. There's really no point to fighting it; I have cancer and there's no turning back.
I think it's so strange that in the days leading up to diagnosis, I was so terrified that I could have cancer. The entire thought was just plain scary. And now, only 4 months later, I'm pretty used to it. I think it's that during treatment, you really have to focus on getting better. There are set dates for chemo and days that I know I'll feel like crap and weeks where I'm feeling pretty dandy. While there's still plenty of room for the unexpected, I know, more or less, what I'll be doing and how I'll be feeling from now until the beginning of January. Everything thereafter is still up in the air, but you know what? The first week of January seems like a long time from now, and I can deal with waiting to know what's going to happen after that. Because, again, there's no use fighting it. "It is what it is" has become the mantra defining my existence.
Anyway, let's get to the festive point of this post: I may have cancer, but I still have A LOT to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Family: I am so thankful for my family. They've been really supportive through this whole debacle.
My parents came to almost every appointment in the beginning, which was great because my head was swimming. And now they've given me the space to go to my appointments alone, which is what I prefer. They've allowed me to deal with cancer my way, and they have always put my preferences first. I really appreciate that. And for some reason, I thought they'd push me to get a bilateral mastectomy, but that hasn't happened at all. My treatment has been very much up to my doctors and to me. I think, given my young age, being able to make some of these decisions has given me the (false?) feeling that I have some control in this situation. Plus, they spoil me like crazy and I can't help but absolutely adore that...
My sister is the one who has to deal with me the most, and she also has handled me with grace. She lets me complain about feeling like crap without EVER rolling her eyes or getting tired of my whining. She doesn't let me overindulge in self-pity, either, which I think keeps me healthy. She calls me every day after she's done with student teaching to check if I need anything. She has included me to do things with her friends and boyfriend, and I feel like I can always rely on her to be there if and when I need her. She doesn't get mad at me for making her house messy (well, messier might be more accurate) and we take care of each other. Living together again has been the best part of having cancer. We've more or less always been close, but I think this experience has changed, and strengthened, our relationship in a way that will have a lasting impact. I wish everyone could have a sister, and I wish everyone could have a sister like Susan.
My brothers aren't around as much, and that's just fine. I know I have their support, and if I were to be in a bad way (well, a worse way...), I know they'd be here as soon as they could. It would freak me out if they started calling me every day to check on me. Actually, it would probably annoy me a lot. They treat me pretty much the same way as before cancer, and that has a very normalizing effect. I savor things that make me feel normal anymore.
Friends: I am so thankful for all of my friends. They all play different functions through this mess, but I am grateful to have so many people who've stepped up to the plate to help me out.
My friend Amber has been a really great and dependable friend. She knows what hardship is and she knows what it really means to always be there. We've been friends since I was 12, which means we've been friends longer than we haven't. We drifted apart through college, but it feels really nice to know that even through some really hard times, she'll be there. Amber knows how to be a good friend, which in times like these means a lot of selflessness. With her, it isn't "I'll always be there for you unless I have something more important going on," and that's actually something that's very rare to find in a friend. It means a lot that she has made so much time for me when she was pretty busy with a move to the city and a new job.
I'm also very thankful for the friends who made my California trip possible, Kelsey, Sonja and Heather. It's so nice to be able to look back on treatment and remember that it wasn't always terrible and that I had a really good time in California. I was able to not allow cancer take away all my fun, which is a proud accomplishment for me . But it would be untrue to pretend that my trip would have been possible without these three wonderful women. That was such a great trip, and it did wonders for my mental state to get out of the state!
And all the Winter Parkers, whom I don't hear from much, are also a happy source of support. They're all busy and most of them weren't friends I'd talk on the phone with anyway, but I know that when I'm in town, I can count on them to show me a good time. My friend Janet, though, has made a special effort to write me every week and send me some really lovely gifts. I was surprised to find such a faithful friend in Janet because I had no idea she cared so much! She's taken great care of me, and it's wonderful to know someone as caring and fun as she is.
There are also a bunch of random things that I'm really thankful for this year, and they don't fall as neatly under little categories. Or maybe I'm just getting lazy and feel like writing a little more free form...
I'm very thankful that three years ago, when I was moving to the mountains, my dad and I sat down to discuss what kind of insurance to get. I'm so very thankful that we chose a good plan that has covered me well, and that Celtic Insurance has been really great. I'm also thankful that my parents have been paying for my insurance all this time. Like I said, I'm spoiled. I'm rotten. There's no getting around it. :)
In addition to the spoiling, I'm so lucky and thankful to have parents who can afford to take care of me the way they have. It's been a blessing to be able to not work through this time. Yes, there are days when I'm bored and would work in a heartbeat. But there are quite a few days when I feel like trash and cannot even imagine having to pull it together to go to work. The women and men who work through chemo are superheroes in my mind, and I'm so fortunate to have this part of the journey taken care of.
I think for a lot of people, the money stuff-- insurance, medical bills, working-- makes cancer all the more stressful and terrible. I think that if I had no insurance and had to work through chemo, I wouldn't have the good humor to call this "an adventure" but the good sense to call it "a disaster." Cancer this young is awful, yes, but at the same time, I can sometimes see it as the best time to be taking time off (from taking time off... heh...). I could probably have afforded this whole shenanigan, but it would have depleted my life savings. And as my parents put it when they handed me a check, "We're so proud of you working and saving your money and we don't want you to have to spend it all on being sick." Really, I have the best parents in the world. :)
I have so many things that others in this world do not, and for that I'm thankful. I have no needs right now. I have the basics-- food, shelter, warmth-- and then so much more. There is nothing more I could ask for. Which is good because the family has been planning on going to Mexico for Christmas, and I'm still hoping to go. And part of going to Mexico means no presents. Which is great, because...
I have everything I want.
Sometimes I get down and think that my life really sucks right now. This doesn't happen so often anymore; I'm getting pretty used to what my life is and what it has become. I guess, in my own way, I've accepted that cancer is just going to have to be a part of my life. There's really no point to fighting it; I have cancer and there's no turning back.
I think it's so strange that in the days leading up to diagnosis, I was so terrified that I could have cancer. The entire thought was just plain scary. And now, only 4 months later, I'm pretty used to it. I think it's that during treatment, you really have to focus on getting better. There are set dates for chemo and days that I know I'll feel like crap and weeks where I'm feeling pretty dandy. While there's still plenty of room for the unexpected, I know, more or less, what I'll be doing and how I'll be feeling from now until the beginning of January. Everything thereafter is still up in the air, but you know what? The first week of January seems like a long time from now, and I can deal with waiting to know what's going to happen after that. Because, again, there's no use fighting it. "It is what it is" has become the mantra defining my existence.
Anyway, let's get to the festive point of this post: I may have cancer, but I still have A LOT to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Family: I am so thankful for my family. They've been really supportive through this whole debacle.
My parents came to almost every appointment in the beginning, which was great because my head was swimming. And now they've given me the space to go to my appointments alone, which is what I prefer. They've allowed me to deal with cancer my way, and they have always put my preferences first. I really appreciate that. And for some reason, I thought they'd push me to get a bilateral mastectomy, but that hasn't happened at all. My treatment has been very much up to my doctors and to me. I think, given my young age, being able to make some of these decisions has given me the (false?) feeling that I have some control in this situation. Plus, they spoil me like crazy and I can't help but absolutely adore that...
My sister is the one who has to deal with me the most, and she also has handled me with grace. She lets me complain about feeling like crap without EVER rolling her eyes or getting tired of my whining. She doesn't let me overindulge in self-pity, either, which I think keeps me healthy. She calls me every day after she's done with student teaching to check if I need anything. She has included me to do things with her friends and boyfriend, and I feel like I can always rely on her to be there if and when I need her. She doesn't get mad at me for making her house messy (well, messier might be more accurate) and we take care of each other. Living together again has been the best part of having cancer. We've more or less always been close, but I think this experience has changed, and strengthened, our relationship in a way that will have a lasting impact. I wish everyone could have a sister, and I wish everyone could have a sister like Susan.
My brothers aren't around as much, and that's just fine. I know I have their support, and if I were to be in a bad way (well, a worse way...), I know they'd be here as soon as they could. It would freak me out if they started calling me every day to check on me. Actually, it would probably annoy me a lot. They treat me pretty much the same way as before cancer, and that has a very normalizing effect. I savor things that make me feel normal anymore.
Friends: I am so thankful for all of my friends. They all play different functions through this mess, but I am grateful to have so many people who've stepped up to the plate to help me out.
My friend Amber has been a really great and dependable friend. She knows what hardship is and she knows what it really means to always be there. We've been friends since I was 12, which means we've been friends longer than we haven't. We drifted apart through college, but it feels really nice to know that even through some really hard times, she'll be there. Amber knows how to be a good friend, which in times like these means a lot of selflessness. With her, it isn't "I'll always be there for you unless I have something more important going on," and that's actually something that's very rare to find in a friend. It means a lot that she has made so much time for me when she was pretty busy with a move to the city and a new job.
I'm also very thankful for the friends who made my California trip possible, Kelsey, Sonja and Heather. It's so nice to be able to look back on treatment and remember that it wasn't always terrible and that I had a really good time in California. I was able to not allow cancer take away all my fun, which is a proud accomplishment for me . But it would be untrue to pretend that my trip would have been possible without these three wonderful women. That was such a great trip, and it did wonders for my mental state to get out of the state!
And all the Winter Parkers, whom I don't hear from much, are also a happy source of support. They're all busy and most of them weren't friends I'd talk on the phone with anyway, but I know that when I'm in town, I can count on them to show me a good time. My friend Janet, though, has made a special effort to write me every week and send me some really lovely gifts. I was surprised to find such a faithful friend in Janet because I had no idea she cared so much! She's taken great care of me, and it's wonderful to know someone as caring and fun as she is.
There are also a bunch of random things that I'm really thankful for this year, and they don't fall as neatly under little categories. Or maybe I'm just getting lazy and feel like writing a little more free form...
I'm very thankful that three years ago, when I was moving to the mountains, my dad and I sat down to discuss what kind of insurance to get. I'm so very thankful that we chose a good plan that has covered me well, and that Celtic Insurance has been really great. I'm also thankful that my parents have been paying for my insurance all this time. Like I said, I'm spoiled. I'm rotten. There's no getting around it. :)
In addition to the spoiling, I'm so lucky and thankful to have parents who can afford to take care of me the way they have. It's been a blessing to be able to not work through this time. Yes, there are days when I'm bored and would work in a heartbeat. But there are quite a few days when I feel like trash and cannot even imagine having to pull it together to go to work. The women and men who work through chemo are superheroes in my mind, and I'm so fortunate to have this part of the journey taken care of.
I think for a lot of people, the money stuff-- insurance, medical bills, working-- makes cancer all the more stressful and terrible. I think that if I had no insurance and had to work through chemo, I wouldn't have the good humor to call this "an adventure" but the good sense to call it "a disaster." Cancer this young is awful, yes, but at the same time, I can sometimes see it as the best time to be taking time off (from taking time off... heh...). I could probably have afforded this whole shenanigan, but it would have depleted my life savings. And as my parents put it when they handed me a check, "We're so proud of you working and saving your money and we don't want you to have to spend it all on being sick." Really, I have the best parents in the world. :)
I have so many things that others in this world do not, and for that I'm thankful. I have no needs right now. I have the basics-- food, shelter, warmth-- and then so much more. There is nothing more I could ask for. Which is good because the family has been planning on going to Mexico for Christmas, and I'm still hoping to go. And part of going to Mexico means no presents. Which is great, because...
I have everything I want.
(Well, except for a clean bill of health, but we'll get to that!)
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I am thankful for you!
5 comments:
Happy Turkey Day to you! Your clean bill of health will arrive sooner than you think, just hang in there " Young Thomas ". Want to send you something, but I no longer have your address.Not missing much here just yet. Very little snow, sails and parkway only things open now. They are expecting to open lower hughs thursday. Working for the resort is as easy as taking candy from a drunk Skinner!! well, you know what I mean. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, wear a funny hat, a bib, and go to town on some turkey. Maybe, well, hopefully we may speak sometime? Wish you all the best in your life, still think and pray for you always! Wayne
Thanks for your comment. You raised a really great point, which seems worthy of a whole post: how do you (or should you?) give your ideas about treatment to other patients? We could preach to each other all day long but in the end why give information that someone else doesn't want or need. For sure there are some Emily Post rules to this all and it sounds like your friend's blog got violated big time.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Kairol
Happy Turkey Day (actually day after)! I can think of ONE MORE THING that you might want (big giant grin), but we won't talk about that here. I'm glad you had such a good thanksgiving. I hope all your food tasted good (or at least tasted like food). I'm also glad that you have such an amazing family, it really does make everything in life better and easier.
Put a glass (of something) up for all the wonderful things that we DO have, and to the clean bill of health that we WILL have!
-jen
And you know what I'm thankful for? You, lady. Believe it. Your strength and positive attitude and all-around awesomisity (awesomitude?) are incredible and inspiring. Love you!
I am glad that there are so many things in this life to be thankful for. I hope that your Thanksgiving was amazing and you got to spend lots of time with your family and friends (and that they did not drive you nuts like I know they can). Are you going to Mexico? When would you be gone? I hope that you feel well enough to go. It sounds like fun!
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