The Vanity Issue

Today is Head Shaving Party day, so I wanted to talk about "the vanity issue" before my head gets fuzzy. I plan on using clippers to shave my hair down to about an inch long, so it's fuzzy but not tooooooo short. I hope it's at least sort of cute, but the sad truth is that it's going to be falling out in a few days. And then I'll be actually bald, which, after observation at the chemo place, is not cute.

Up to this point, I was able to think about the way I look in general terms. I've never had to really consider how my concept of how I look impacts my concept of who I am and how I feel. But along with breast cancer come a lot of worries concerning one's physical appearance. For one, either surgical option (mastectomy or lumpectomy) will leave me with scars at the very least. I feel like I should be concerned about the actual surgery, but all that I can think about is the result of the reconstruction. How will it look? What if I don't like it? How are people, namely men, going to respond to the whole reconstruction thing? How are they going to feel? How long will I have scars? And if somehow the stars align and I get to keep my breasts, what are my scars going to look like from the lumpectomy? I'll have to have radiation, and that causes darkening of the skin. Is that going to be really ugly too?

If my lymph nodes end up with cancer and have to be removed, there's the chance I'll get lymphedema in my right arm. That causes the arm to swell to varying degrees. So that could be ugly.

Then there's the ugliness during treatment. The hair loss thing really sucks because it makes a normal-looking person suddenly a very sick-looking person. I feel like today is the last day of having a "secret." It's not that I'm ashamed to have cancer or that I'm hiding it, it's just that it's a personal thing and I wish the whole world didn't have to know. But once my hair is gone, the whole world will probably know. And I wonder if I'm going to be treated differently as a result. I used to have really nice hair, and I don't feel like an egotistical asshole in saying so. And I will probably be 30 by the time my hair grows back long again. And who knows what my hair will grow back like. I pray to God it comes in straight-- I've always wanted straight hair. But what if it turns out curly?

In addition to the bald thing, I learned that a lot of people gain weight from chemotherapy treatment because they're eating more and physically doing significantly less. So you end up chubby and bald. Not a great combination for a 25-year-old woman.

Am I being shallow or selfish in thinking that this is a much bigger deal because I'm young? Of course older women care about how they look. I know that. Maybe it's that they've had longer to be young and attractive and I feel like I'm losing out when I should be in my prime. Maybe it's because they've had longer to find their dream man while their bodies were normal and I might have to try to do that after becoming a deformed monster.

I've come to realize that I care a lot about how I look. There's no use in denying it or lying about it; I feel better about myself when I feel I look good. I've pretty much always been obsessed with wanting to look good. There was a time when I thought it wouldn't be crazy to get my boobs done. Now that seems like the silliest thing in the world. How I feel about the way I look greatly influences what I think of myself. It's easy to say, "Oh, I don't care about how I look because looks aren't what matter." It's hard to admit to yourself that "I care a lot about how I look, and my self-esteem is based greatly on my outward appearance." It makes me sound so vain and shallow, but in the end, it's the truth in my case. And the more honest I can be with myself, the more honest I can be with my surgeons. They need to know that my attitude is hinging on coming out of surgery looking better than OK.

I can't imagine living the rest of my life hating the way I look. But I know if I come out of this feeling like I look ugly, it will change everything. And it's not something that other people can help with; if I think I look ugly, then no number of friends telling me I'm still beautiful will help. It's about self-image. Maybe that's the hard part. And I know that the really important part is to make it out of this alive, and I do take that part seriously. But I did want to share how I feel about the rest of it, and that the whole breast cancer experience, especially at my age, isn't only about surviving. It's about my confidence surviving.

Before all this happened, I had so many gripes about how I looked. Now I look back and think, "Carrie, you were as perfect as you could be, why didn't you just soak it up while you had it?" Things are definitely going to change, and I have to accept that. I just keep thinking how lucky everyone else is to be healthy and not have to go through this, and not how "unlucky" I am. I hope you folks out there can take a second to really appreciate yourself for the perfection you already have. I wish I had appreciated being "normal" before.

I hope you guys don't think I'm a shallow and completely hollow person. I know that I have a lot more to offer than how I look, and I'm not that hot to begin with anyway. I'm just offering you a candid look at something I think about... maybe a little too often.

In a way, I can feel lucky to have been forced to look at myself so honestly and carefully. And most women will never face the challenge of trying to find themselves beautiful after they've been stripped of about everything womanly about them. If I can make it through this experience relatively unscathed, I will probably so confident and self-assured that no one will be able to handle me...!

Hopefully by tomorrow I'll have some pictures and video of the party tonight. See you then, and wish me luck...!