I Need a Free Pass

You know, you'd think that when life is giving you lemons, the cosmic powers would somehow give you a free pass from the rest of life's little problems. For example, I have a cold, and I think it's unfair that I have to spend my "good days" feeling icky. But then again, it's probably all my fault.

Since I last posted, I had been feeling shockingly good. I was expecting and dreading about 5 days with "The Ghost," but the darn ghost didn't show up. Thank God! I slept my 20 hours after infusion and woke up Wednesday feeling pretty decent. Thursday was pretty good too. And I knew by Friday I'd probably be feeling back to "normal."

Susan and Nate were planning on going skiing Friday, and I told them I probably couldn't go because I wouldn't be feeling so great. But Thursday evening I was feeling stronger and stronger, and the thought of people skiing without me was too much to bear. And I figured that having a so-so feeling day skiing always beats a so-so feeling day in Fort Collins. So at 4 a.m. on Friday morning, I put on my slippers and went out to my car to take my ski boots out of the trunk. I put them in front of a heat vent inside the house so they'd warm up. I set my alarm for 6:30 and tried to sleep, but was really excited about skiing!

Friday was my first ski day as a Front Ranger in four seasons. I did go for a week a while back, but this was my first day trip, so it brought back lots of memories. It was definitely weird. But we had a nice day skiing, if not short. We took it pretty easy, but I got to wiggle my way down some "moguls" (in quotes because they were just babies) which always lands a grin on this skiing fanatic's mug. Susan twisted her knee and ran into me, so we took the rest of the afternoon pretty easy. In all actuality, we probably skied about 2.5 total hours. But I got to visit with Janet, which is always fantastic, and ski with Matt, which is also always fantastic.

But then when we were headed home, it became apparent that I had caught a cold. I spent the whole weekend just sorta lounging around the house and feeling crappy. I was so mad at myself for getting sick because it was so obviously a bad idea to go skiing so soon after treatment. It was such a bummer to feel sick when I should be feeling well! But in the end, I don't regret going, and of course, I can't wait to go again.

I don't know if everyone knows this or not, but I'm going to Mexico soon! Two years ago, we went to Mexico for Christmas as a family and had a great time. We've been planning this trip for a while now, i.e. before we knew I have cancer. I'm a little nervous to be going out of the country while I'm still in treatment, but my oncologist's office wrote me a prescription for some antibiotics in case anything happens. And it's a good week to be going-- the last week before my last treatment! It's so ridiculously cold here (-2 degrees) that I can hardly wait to be somewhere tropical! It'll be nice to relax on the beach and eat Mexican food. Everyone say their prayers that Montezuma doesn't take any of his revenge on me!

Once I get back, I have just three days until my last treatment. Can you believe it? We're finally reaching the end of chemotherapy. December 30, the day I thought would never come, is only 15 days away. I have some mixed feelings about it, but mostly relief. Well, there's also this other thing...

I have been kinda worried that my tumor has been growing or something. It seemed like I couldn't feel anything after Taxol, but now if I push pretty hard I can feel something. My onc nurse felt it after much trying, but she said she wasn't worried about it from a pathological standpoint. That was good to hear, but then again, that's what my PA said way back in July and look where it landed me. Anyway, she talked with my doctor and they're letting me have some imaging done-- mammogram and ultrasound-- to check it out. I'm not obsessing or freaking out, but I'm a little worried about what they're going to find. I really hope it's nothing, and that when they look for my tumors, they find nothing left. Wouldn't that be great? I really hope they're at least smaller. What I'm very afraid of is that they'll find some sort of change or growth, and that "they" will tell me I have to do more chemo. I really don't want that to happen. I really hope they look and can't find anything at all. Scary scary scary.

Going into my last treatment, now I have no idea what to expect. The first one was absolutely terrible, and the second one was pretty bad too. The third was a breeze. But the last treatment has the reputation of being the hardest, as chemo has a cumulative effect on people. It would be really nice to just be down for a day again and then come out of it like nothing happened. I guess in a way I feel worried that the last treatment didn't "work" because I didn't feel awful. Maybe my body is just getting used to chemo and has become more efficient at getting it out of my system. I have no idea. But it would be nice if the last one was as easy as the third and I could go skiing shortly after.

And after that, a new chapter will begin in this adventure...