'Twas the Other Night Before Surgery

Guess who? YES! It's Carrie! And she hates Hates HATES cancer!

Here we are again, the night before surgery. Last surgery I was all jittery and nervous. I was scared of the anesthetic and scared for the pain. I was scared for the outcome, too. But tonight, I look at my upcoming surgery as an annoyance. I wish I didn't have to have it, but I know I do. So... I'm gonna suck it up and blast through it. I just hope there won't be any ridiculous complications like last time. Five wire localizations, three attempts at an IV... not fun.

I have only 12 more minutes of water drinking and eating. Then I have to fast. I hate fasting for these stupid things.

I've been trying to be better about doing my dumb physical therapy exercises. I'm supposed to do them five times a day. And given that I don't really have anything else to do, this should be easy. But they're REALLY boring. Happily, though, they don't really hurt anymore. I feel a lot less of a stretch now. For a bit, my progress wasn't improving and I was getting pretty grouchy about that. But we seem to be heading in the direction of normalcy once again. I really hope that this next surgery won't interfere with the rehabilitation of my right arm. Because this bitch has some skiing to do! (Whenever Madame La Surgeon says it's OK, of course.) I hope to make it out again in March, but we'll see what the doc says.

I finally took my bandages off a couple of days ago. Things are looking pretty good. I was really scared to look at my breast at first, in the days immediately following surgery. But now things have settled, and though I will probably never be symmetrical again, it's not too awful. From straight on, you wouldn't really notice the unevenness (unless you were looking for it). The scar will certainly give away the fact that I have had surgery. But so what? I have had surgery. My profile leaves something to be desired, but it's not that awful either. It's not like they were perfect before, anyway.

I find I still haven't regained the energy I once had. I know it hasn't been that long since I finished chemo, and recovery is a long road. But I'm becoming more and more impatient with how slowly everything moves. I want to be strong and I want to be able to run around, but I still feel so week. I've been too sedentary in the past few weeks, I think, but then again, who can blame me? Anyway, I went for walks two days in a row, and on the third day my legs and feet were aching like crazy. I'm starting to feel that "26 year old trapped in a 90 year old's body" thing. And I don't like it. I signed up for a free 6-month membership at the gym, so I hope to be getting stronger and healthier soon. Wouldn't it be amazing to come out of treatment with a better body than I had before? Dare to dream Carrie.


In other news, I finally booked my flights for the Annual Conference for Young Women Affected by Breast Cancer in Dallas, Texas. I was going to go to Austin afterwards, but truly, funds are limited. And I'm saving up to go to Circus Mexicus! Anyway, I'm really looking forward to going to this conference and meeting so many of the women who have been my online support group. Plus, it's about time I got out of town again. I also have a Roger Clyne solo show to look forward to in about two weeks.

So tomorrow is another day in this whole cancer process. Let's all hope together that we get it all this time. It helps to know that I'm not going to be alone in my suffering... my darling online friends Catherine and Jen will be doing their own treatment things tomorrow too. It's terrible to think there are more 20-somethings out there with breast cancer, but there are. I am not alone. And their support and emails have been really wonderful in the past months.

Let's try to check another thing off the list tomorrow. Surgery, check. Next stop, healing. And after that radiation. And then...?

And then, get a life.