Sorry I've Been Slacking! And No More Surgery!

Hey everyone! I really have to apologize for slacking on my blog. I keep meaning to update everyone, but it got put off. Sorry sorry sorry!

So first off, let me tell you all that my second surgery was a success. I had a re-excision on Monday, and on Wednesday (I think?) I got the good news that the margins were clean and clear. The medical assistant said, "You won't have to have any more surgeries, unless you need your appendix out!" Let's hope she's right!

Tuesday was a little painful because I didn't want to take any more percocet. I just really hate the way painkillers make me feel! How people get addicted to them I'll never know. Anyway, the pain has been very minimal, and I've resumed my physical therapy exercises. Things are feeling really good right now, so that's great.

For whatever reason, my breast looks a lot better this time around. You'd think it would be flatter from taking out more tissue, but it looks... bigger! I hope that lasts!

I really need to get Susan to take my picture again because my hair is pretty noticeable now. It's not long, and it's not thick... but it's THERE!

Tomorrow is sort of a big day. I'm definitely not looking forward to it. I have an appointment in the morning with Dr. M., my oncologist. We'll probably go over the meaning of my pathology report. I'm thinking she's going to give me an official prognosis, meaning the statistics regarding my likelihood of 5 year survival. Icky. And in the afternoon, I meet with my radiation oncologist for the first time. I wonder what that will be like. I'll be glad to have it out of the way and to know more about what's going to be happening. So think good thoughts for me tomorrow because I'm sick of going to the doctor now. Which I think is pretty fair, since I've been doing it for 7 months. Tomorrow marks 7 months since diagnosis.

Today is actually a special day. You see, 26 years ago today, a little baby arrived in Denver, all the way from Seoul, South Korea. And when she landed, she met her new family and she started a new life in the United States. That lucky little baby was me. Today is what has come to be called "Carrie Day," a day celebrating the anniversary of my adoption. So Happy Carrie Day to you all! Hope you treated yourselves nicely!

Now that we have the updates out of the way, we can move on to the reflection part of the blog. I've been thinking a lot about the transition from "cancer girl" to Carrie. It's so crazy that things happened to fast and so unexpectedly. In 8 months, my life changed A LOT.

On the YSC message boards, we talk about the "new normal" a lot. We talk about how we'll never go back to being the women we were before cancer, but that we find a new normal, a balance that takes into account everything we've been through. I will never have breasts without scars, and I will probably never again feel like I'll live forever. I'll never be young and invincible. And my surgeon mentioned that she thought I might have to do stretches every day for the rest of my life because the radiation might mess up my muscles in my arm. All of this is will certainly contribute to my new normal, which doesn't sound very normal at all.

But slowly, ever so slowly, the evidence of this difficult time is disappearing. When I think about it, I get this visual of a Jolly Roger drawn in the sand by the sea. And with each wave that laps against the sand, the picture washes away just a little bit more. My hair is coming back slowly, and the darkness in my nails is fading. Eventually the fact that I did a tango with cancer will not be visible, and the people I meet will have no idea what I've been through. I will look normal. But we've yet to find out if I'll feel normal.

I've noticed, though, that I find myself thinking, worrying and obsessing about cancer a lot less these days. I didn't think it would be this fast. I feel so ready to move on with my life. Actually, I should clarify that statement. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. But I am absolutely ready to move away from this part of my life. When I'm through with treatment, which, mind you, will still be another two months probably, I want to move back to Winter Park. I feel like my time there was cut short. I feel like I need to go back so that when I decide to leave, it's on my terms. And of course, I want to ski another season because cancer stole this one from me.

What scares me is the creeping thought that I'll get back to the life I had pre-cancer and not be happy. I do feel very different and very changed. And if skiing doesn't make me happy like it used to, then... who am I? I feel like I don't know myself very well anymore because I've changed.

I feel conflicted in how to proceed. When doctors tell me negative things, and I read negative things on the YSC message boards, I just want to be the exception. I want to believe that these various bad things will not happen to me. I want to prove everyone wrong. At the same time, I hate to set myself up for disappointment. I don't want to believe I can go back to being normal and then have to deal with all the stupid effects of cancer and its treatment. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to live in denial of the after-effects of treatment, and I don't want to have unrealistic expectations. But I DO want to try my best to go back to being a normal 26 year old.

Part of that is getting my body back in shape. I have gotten really flabby and tired, and now I'm ready to tone up my muscles, gain some strength back, and get in shape so that when I finally hit the snow, I'm ready to rip! The only problem is that I have to keep healing from surgery and am not allowed to do any "strenuous physical activity" for another week. But this has become a major goal for me. And I finally signed up for the free 6-month gym membership I got because of cancer. And paid for three 1-hour sessions of physical training. So as soon as I get the go-ahead, I'm going to go ahead!

I'm tired! I'm going to bed. I hope I said everything I wanted to. I have no idea.

Oh wait, two more things!

1) Thanks so much to Nancy! I got your wonderful card! It was a great surprise on a pretty boring day. And thanks for dinner in Dallas! I'll make sure to eat something REALLY good!

2) I'm going to Dallas in only 11 days! I'm going to meet all these wonderful women who have been a special support group in these hard times. I'm excited!