A Break From Reality... And Back Again...

Every time I get the chance to go skiing, I totally relish it. It's such a welcome break from my "cancereality" as we may call it. It feels great to do something physical, and being outside in the snow is truly therapeutic for me.

Anyway, Monday and Tuesday I went up skiing in Winter Park and stayed with some great friends, Mike and Beth. I've worked with both of them in restaurants back when I lived in WP, which feels like eons ago. Mike was actually one of the first people I met. Anyway, they're both amazing cooks, so you can imagine I was spoiled by the food they made me. I thoroughly enjoyed some lasagna and breakfast burritos, plus they got a case of Bud Light for me and took care of my drinks. It was great!

The skiing was really fantastic on Monday. I took some of the best turns I've taken all season, plus I got to ski with my buddy Marty for the first time. Turns out, he likes to ski moguls too, and we had a great, albeit short, time! Then on Tuesday I skied terribly. We'd gotten a bunch of new snow, but it was about 39 degrees out, so it was wet and heavy. I gave up and went to visit some friends and have a Hurricane or two, as it was Mardi Gras and all.

In the midst of it all, I got a call from my oncologist's office. That was scary because it was after 5:00 and I had no idea why they'd be calling me. I was worried that they had rechecked my brain MRI and found something. In the end, though, it was to discuss radiation to my supraclav. My oncologist, unlike my surgeon, was all for it, and had discussed it with another radiation oncologist at the office I go to. My normal rads onc was out of town on a personal emergency, so she had talked with his associate. It turned out though that I'd be meeting with a "substitute doctor." So my medical oncologist agreed to talk to the sub as well.

We went back to M&B's place to change clothes, and then went out to celebrate! I had a great time dancing and seeing friends. Wahoo!

I had to head home on Wednesday morning because I had an appointment with the substitute rads onc, Dr. A. Dr. A. is a retired rads onc who was also a professor at the University of Oklahoma. He had a fantastic bedside manner and truly took the time to help me try to make a decision. The difficult thing about the decision of whether or not to radiate my supraclav is this: the risks are small but severe, and the benefits are not guaranteed. The risk is that the radiation could damage a nerve bundle in my shoulder causing my entire right arm to go permanently numb. There's also an increased risk of lymphedema. And there will be increased damage to my lung, but they tell me that it won't be noticeable or make a change in my lifestyle. The risk of losing feeling in my arm is very small; it's been approximated from anywhere between .5-5%. According to Dr. A., he had never seen it happen to any of his patients in his 38 years of experience. And as with anything, there is no guarantee of any benefit.

Having the control and freedom to decide on this makes me feel like I DO have control over my treatment. But as I am not a doctor, it is very difficult to try to make a medical decision for myself. I'm leaning towards doing it though. The rads oncs seem torn, but because I am so young, it seems like a good idea. I want to give myself every chance I can, and I don't want to regret NOT doing something that might help. There's also the idea that if cancer were to grow in my supraclavicular lymph nodes, a tumor could damage that nerve bundle, also causing my arm to go numb. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

"Where are we going? And what am I doing in this handbasket?"

The reason there is such a debate over whether or not to radiate my supraclav is that they usually do it if there are three or more lymph nodes "involved," meaning containing cancer. For less than three, they do not radiate this region. But, in my case, because I'm always special about things, the tumor in my node had broken through the lymph node capsule, which is... sorta scary. And like I said, I am a youngster, so we want to give me the best chance possible.

In the end, Dr. A. and I agreed that I should take some extra time to think about it, and in the meantime, have myself mapped out as if I'm going to do it. Then if I decide against it, it won't change anything. Which leads me to the next thing...

I got mapped for radiation finally. To do this, they stick you on an uncomfortable table and slide you in and out of a CT machine. This is purely for mapping and not diagnostic, so I didn't have to drink anything gross or be injected by anything. Then afterwards, I got my very first tattoos.

Now, before anyone gets too excited, these tattoos are TINY and are used to match my body up with the machines. A laser light will need to be matched to these black dots every session to make sure my body is in the perfect position. You don't want radiation going just anywhere! I was against them at first, but in the end, they truly are tiny and they didn't really hurt. The gal who did them told me she was famous for making them REALLY tiny. It was true; the two on my sides turned out so tiny that she had to redo them.

I was scared thinking she'd have a big tattoo gun, but in the end they just put a dot of ink on my skin and then stuck a needle in. No biggie.

I guess now they're working on my treatment plan and will call me to tell me when I can start. I think though, I'll end up telling them when I want to start because Big Brother #2 is coming to town to ski with me, and I don't want to worry about radiation until we're done skiing.

Yeah, I have a one-track mind. Skiing is my passion, what can I say?

I leave tomorrow for Dallas for the Young Women Affected by Breast Cancer conference. I get to meet all these women who have comprised my online support group. I'm really looking forward to it! Because of my age, a normal support group had very little appeal to me. I lost myself to this network of women closer to my age, and we all support each other. It's been incredible to have a life-line of people who know what I'm going through, and how hard it is do it at this age. Hopefully I'll learn a lot and have a fantastic time! I'm headed to Denver tonight to stay with Amber so I don't have to wake up so early tomorrow!