Where are we? And who is this?

Hey everyone! I have great ambitions to use this blog again for any number of things, but so far that hasn't come to fruition. Let today be the day that CarrieHatesCancer is revived!

So what has happened since we last spoke? Well, I think I said I'd gone to my six-month check-up. As it is, I'm very confused as far as time-telling and cancer go. My surgeon counts time from the first treatment action taken, which was chemo on August 4, 2008. My medical oncologist, who truly should have the final say, counts time from surgery, which wasn't until January 23, 2009. So by my surgeon's count, I've survived for about a year and a quarter, which sounds great! But by my medical oncologist's count, I'm not even at a year yet. :(

Anyway, I have an appointment coming up with my medical oncologist in December. That should count as my 9-month check-up, approximately. And for that appointment, I was due for my first mammogram since treatment. Generally I try not to stress too much about those sorts of things because it doesn't help. But no matter what, I've noticed that within a week or so before the appointment, I do get stressed and anxious. This time I felt really worried, for no particular reason. I just felt like I couldn't do this all again.

But without further fanfare, my mammogram went fine. I got the "all clear" quickly and was sent on my way. PHEW! They did both breasts this time, and in six months they'll do just the right one (the cancer one), and then in a year they'll do both again. Hard to believe that as a 27-year-old woman I have two mammogram appointments a year, but... well... I don't do many things normally anyway.

I still have the appointment sometime in early December, and I'll have to do bloodwork for that. So another chance for mild anxiety. But such is life. Err such is my life. I can't wait until I've been alive for three years post-cancer (if I make it that far...) because then the rates of recurrence drop dramatically.

This weekend I'm headed to Philadelphia to attend a breast cancer conference. Yet again, I've managed to score a scholarship so my flight and hotel are paid for! I'm so excited to see my "cancer friends" again! Through this horrendous experience, I've met some truly wonderful women. But more specifically, I have a good group of young survivors, most of us under 30. There are five of us, with different pathologies, stages, surgeries, everything. Totally different lives and lifestyles. But when we come together, we have a great time. I'm really looking forward to it!

There has been an interesting transformation in me. A year ago, I was miserably making my way through chemo, suffering and struggling. And since the end of treatment in May, things have been looking up, every day better than the ones before. Before, I was hearing from people what life was like after treatment. There's a discussion on my message board for young breast cancer survivors about "the new normal." There are a lot of women who will guarantee you that you will not be the same person you were before cancer. I found that to be terrifying, as I was pretty fond of how I was pre-cancer. And during cancer, there were so many struggles that I wanted to leave behind-- physical pain, fear, damage from radiation, etc.-- and I was scared I'd feel that way forever.

Well, let me tell you folks, it doesn't always end up that way. I feel today much like I felt before cancer. I'm different, that's true. I have a much broader perspective that has come from a unique experience. And now, here I am, maybe a year out, maybe not, trying to help others make their ways through the same experience. Another cancer-stranger-friend told me that she likes to read what I write because it gives her hope that she too will feel normal again. I can't even express how good that makes me feel.

It's a struggle to find your place and your role through cancer and after. It's sort of like being an adolescent again, figuring out who you are. But for now, I'm the same Carrie, just a little more experienced, a little wiser, and a little more helpful.

(I'm sure there are zillions of other things to say, but hey, MONTHS have passed so we gotta start somewhere!)