The Day That Would Never Come... Is HERE!

I can't believe my last infusion is upon us! At the beginning, I kept envisioning myself at the end, thinking that these past 5 months passed by quickly. While I don't really feel exactly that way, at the same time I am surprised to find myself finally here. Though I haven't spent a lot of time reflecting on everything, I have come to realize that I've learned a lot in the past few months.

The most wonderful thing I've learned is that there are a lot of people out there who care about me. I've also learned a lot about friendship. Most of what I've learned has been positive, but there were some real downers along the way. I now know what I need from a friendship for me to consider it real and true. I've learned that ex-boyfriends will probably never be good friends. And I've learned that when faced with a challenging and difficult situation, some friends will fail. But friends whom you never imagined cared so much will step up and be there when you need them. It's funny; some friends I've expected very little of and asked for very little, but got everything I needed from them. And the close ones I've expected more from. I wonder sometimes if that's fair, but in the end, good friends will always be there when you need them.

That probably sounded really selfish and "everything is about me Me ME!" but in a time like this, it is essential to be real to yourself about what you really need. At the beginning of this adventure (I hardly think of it that way now; I look back on the beginning of this blog and think... dang I was spunky!), there were so many people who told me to "take care of me right now." But I was worried about everyone around me, too. In the end, that faded, and I took on treatment like a woman warrior, looking out for me. It's too difficult a time to stress about how everyone else is holding up, or to be putting yourself in bad situations. I realized I could no longer accept any drama that was leading nowhere and making me feel bad. This ended up meaning cutting some people out of my life. But if someone wants to kick you while you're down (which is certainly how I felt sometimes... but didn't discuss it here because I didn't want my blog to go in that direction), the you have to kick them out of your life. I'm sure this is hard to understand for a lot of people, but I think my fellow survivor friends know what I'm talking about. Anyway, out with the bad. In with the good.

It's a strange lesson I've learned, an interesting dichotomy. I've learned a lot about my own personal solidarity because I now know just how strong I am and that I can and have survived chemotherapy treatment (well, as of tomorrow... heh...). But I've also learned that I need people in my life and I can ask for help and not appear pathetic. Mostly the help I've asked for involves me doing something fun and crashing at somebody's place. I've learned to take people up on their offers because they usually meant it, and if they didn't, well... they shouldn't have said it in the first place!

After the big fight (chemo) has been fought, my treatment still won't be totally complete because I still have surgery and radiation to look forward to. The next phase, the one that follows active treatment, will be considerably difficult as well. You see, cancer isn't like a normal owie. You don't treat it and then WHAMMO you're cured. Once I live for five years, THEN I can be considered cured. But there are no guarantees in life, nor are there with cancer. But it is very rare for a triple negative breast cancer to recur after five years. So if I can just keep on keepin' on for five years... I'll hopefully not only make it to thirty, but have long hair and be cured of cancer! I think at that point, I will finally exhale and really know I'm going to live a long time. Like Tom Petty said, "The waiting is the hardest part."

Well, enough of my rantings and ravings and reflections. Tomorrow is a big day, and I'd better get ready for it and get to bed! Thanks for listening, and as always, THANK YOU for your support!