Live From the Trenches

Hello! Do you even remember me? I had to read my own blog to see where I left off. And it turns out today marks one month since my last post. Incredible! Like I say these days, time flies regardless of whether you're having any fun or not.

So what's happened? A lot actually! I don't know whether I should go in chronological order or in order of importance...

How about random order? That sounds a lot more fun, and a lot more like ME!

We left off at the day before the conference. As you all may remember (or not... I know you have bigger things on your mind than me... although why I have no idea... ha!), I hadn't had my period since August due to what we call "chemo-pause." Chemo-pause is chemotherapy-induced menopause, and it's very normal for a woman undergoing chemotherapy to slip into menopause. You might remember me whining and groaning about having hot flashes all the time, and how it was very difficult for me to sleep. Well, as chemo wore on, the hot flashes diminished quite a bit, and I think (but can't remember exactly) that the last couple months were hot flash-free. That was nice.

The concern was that my doctor said she was sure my period would come back. Well, actually, that wasn't the concern. It was that she said there was an 80-85% chance it would. Those are good odds, yes, but 10-15% is still a good chance it wouldn't. Anyway, I tried not to stress about it because I have no control over it, plus I have no interest in having children anytime soon, if ever. I figured, though, if it were going to come back, it would probably come back at the least convenient time.

Well, the day before I left for Dallas for the conference, guess what happened? Yep, the ol' period came back. At first I thought there was something wrong with me! Ha! But anyway, it was nice to know that my body has regained yet another function, albeit not an enjoyable one.

I am amongst the menstruating once again.

Speaking of the conference, you may be wondering how it went. I think I honestly needed this entire month to process my feelings about the conference.

I left Colorado feeling excited to go, but not thinking it was going to be the time of my life or anything. And I came home to Colorado TOTALLY exhausted, sick of cancer, and ready for a little space to myself. In the end, however, it was a really cool experience.

On Thursday, I flew to Dallas, and it turned out that a fellow breast cancer young survivor friend of mine from Colorado Springs bumped her flight time up to fly with me. I ended up sitting right in front of her. That was fun, plus I had some people to share a shuttle with. I had taken a pill because I hate flying, and then she gave me the rest of her margarita. Ooops. Suffice it to say, I don't remember much of the shuttle ride. The rest of the day was spent sort of wandering around and meeting all sorts of women whom I knew only from our online correspondences. It was wonderful to meet so many people at once, but also pretty overwhelming. And I was walking around in my blue wig, so lots of people recognized me that way, but I wasn't sure who everyone else was all the time. We went out to a fun restaurant for dinner as a group of maybe 30, and that was pretty nice.

The conference didn't officially start until Friday. I registered, got a bag full of interesting goodies, and went to a seminar about the environment and cancer. It was a pretty interesting session. And later that night we went out dancing at a cowboy bar. That was a first for me; I've never seen people dance around in a ring like that. I rode a mechanical bull and met a very interesting young man. All in all, a pretty fun night!

Saturday was an exhausting day. We had 4 seminars to attend, and they started pretty early. I learned, talked, heard, read all about cancer ALL DAY. That was a little much. And at this point, I realized it had been hours and hours since I had any time to myself, by myself. Not that it wasn't great to be around all these fantastic and fun and beautiful and smart women all the time... but as of late I do have a lot of down-time to myself, and I was starting to feel a little burned out. The seminars on Saturday weren't as good, either. The one I had been looking forward to was about Triple Negative Breast Cancer, which is what I have, but the presenter talked very quickly and as if she were talking to another clinicians. I had no idea what she was talking about, plus my mind was already raw from all the rest of the cancer thinking. I was disappointed that the talk wasn't better.

Saturday night was a blast though! We had a dinner and dance at the hotel. Dinner was... questionable... let me say that a grilled chicken breast needs to have sauce, and no, mayonnaise is not an acceptable sauce. Anyway, the dancing was really fun because it was just a bunch of girls in different crazy wigs, bald, or with their own new hair, getting silly and having fun. I had the best time!

Oh yeah, I might mention that I was sharing a hotel room with three other girls. It was like a college spring break all over! They were all so cool and so nice. I wish the four of us had gotten more time to hang out. Oh well, I'm planning on going to New York City and Washington, D.C. to visit some of them in July, should funds allow!

On Sunday, I slept in. I needed it. And then I said goodbyes to all the people I had met. I was very ready to go home, even though I had a great time. I think that because I had had such a long break from chemo, cancer was on my mind a lot less before the conference. And being at the conference brought me back to having cancer on my mind ALL THE TIME. That I found really difficult for me. I didn't like thinking about cancer constantly, and talking about my cancer and other people's cancer and cancer in general incessantly. It was really draining, and with the skiing before, I got home totally exhausted and tired. And truly overwhelmed by it all.

Blogger is really stupid in the way it makes you upload photos. But next blog, which I PROMISE will appear sooner than a month, I'll include some pictures and you'll get an idea to why I came home so tired. ;)

What else? Oh, I've had two great visitors since we last spoke. My brother came to visit from Buffalo, NY, and that was really nice. We got to spend his birthday with him, and he, my sister, and I all went up to Winter Park for a ski trip. The Monday of our ski trip I skied GREAT, hit 11 runs in maybe 3.5 hours, and just totally killed it like I used to. Then on Tuesday, it snowed a bunch, which normally would be a good thing. But I was worn out from the day before, and honestly I'm not that great of a powder skier. And it was flippin' freezing out. I was miserable and falling left and right. I started to get scared I was going to hurt myself, so I just quit. I was so frustrated that I wasn't having any fun. So I took my boots off and went to lunch at my favorite restaurant! Ha!

Also, one of my favorite people came to visit from San Francisco. La Heather! It was so wonderful to see her, and she was here for 5-ish days. I wish I had been more energetic for her visit but I was really starting to feel tired with all the skiing and the extra activity. But it's always great to spend time with Heather, and I think she understood that my energy level wasn't what is once was, and that I like just hanging out doing nothing with her anyway. What a treat!

Also, some time starting towards the beginning of March, I started working out again. I think it's made a difference in how I feel, and I usually feel a little more energetic after a workout. With Dallas, my brother visiting, and Heather visiting, I managed to gain maybe 8-10 pounds, which is gross and I hate it. So now I'm working on getting back to a normal weight. I've also started strength training with a personal trainer (I know, fancy!) and that's going really well. Lifting weights reminds me of skiing a little bit because it's something you can do with a friend if you want, but it's just as good alone. And it's an individual challenge that you can improve upon every time. I really like it so far, and my trainer is really nice. She's supposed to be a little bit initiated with cancer stuff, but mostly I think she's clueless. Anyway, she did a really challenging workout with me yesterday and I'm practically hobbling, limping, and shuffling around. And I'm supposed to do it again tomorrow! Aye me! I feel a little stronger, a little less flabby, and like I have a little more endurance. That is, I feel a little more like myself. And that's a good thing.

And the biggest news, as far as CarrieHatesCancer goes, is that I've finally started radiation. After my brother left and the radiation office still hadn't called, I called them to make sure they didn't forget me. The woman on the phone said she was just lifting up the phone to call me. Whether or not I believe her on that one is up for grabs.

Anyway (boy this is getting loooong) I will have 30 treatments, 5 of which are "boosts." I guess boosts go directly to the surgery spot, and are "just electrons," whatever that means. The woman on the phone described it as "dessert after a big meal." I like the sound of that! As of today, I have had 8 treatments. Something is making me feel tired a lot, and I'm guessing it has to do with radiation. Although I was getting pretty damn tired before I started, so who knows. My body's been through a lot, and it's no small wonder I feel exhausted most of the time. By Week 3 or so, most people start to notice skin reactions (as in burning, peeling, redness, fun stuff). So far, at the end of Week 2, there's nothing to report.

I go to radiation EVERY day Monday through Friday, at 9 a.m., which is super early for me (I know, it's obnoxious, but I like luxury's lap and so I live there). If all goes according to plan, my last treatment will be on April 24. Guess who's counting the days? There is one good thing about radiation, though. The doctor's office has cookies out every day, and almost always there are two different kinds. Yes, even at 9 in the morning I indulge myself. I deserve it.

I've really resented being back into treatment, but now that it's been almost two weeks, I'm getting used to it. It was just a really long break from this crap-- my last infusion was Dec. 30. I really feel like everything took extra long in my situation. Some people get through treatment in much less time than the 9 months it will have taken me. But we're all different, and there's no magic timeline that we all fit on. It was hard to go back to feeling mediocre all the time and having to face the reality of cancer again. But radiation is nothing so far in comparison to chemo. And sometime soon I'll show you all the hair I've grown!

Speaking of my hair, every day I wake up and it's pushed itself into a mini faux-hawk. I look a little like an emo skater punk girl and little like Mr. T. But hey, it's hair, right?

Now that we're all up to speed, I feel better. And tired. So it's off to bed with me, and I'll talk to you soon, I promise. And there will be pictures!

(Sorry this post was sort of a mess. I would go back and fix it, but seriously, I'm tired. So excuse all the run-on sentences and stuff. Thanks!)