Thursday. Already!

Why hello again!

Today is usually the beginning of Ick City. But it wasn't too bad today. I attribute this to a number of things... For one, I quit taking Ambien because it was making me hallucinate these neato, diaphanous, floaty thingies and a cat (Yes, it was on my pillow. And I did try to touch it to make sure it wasn't actually my cat. It wasn't. It was a hallucikitty.) and then I had a really realistic nightmare-type thing. So that freaked me out. I started taking Ativan, which is a drug for anxiety, nausea and sleep. I took two on Tuesday night because one just wasn't doing the trick. I may have made an ill-advised phone call, but oh well. I took only one last night. I slept reasonably well.

In case you're confused as to why I'm taking sleeping meds, Decadron, the steroid I have to take with my chemo cocktail, makes my head all buzzy and has insomnia as a side effect. My drugs for side effects have side effects. The whole chemo game is a balancing act, really. You have to use one drug or vitamin or supplement to outweigh the negative effects of the others. So I take Decadron intravenously for side effects from the chemo, and then I take Ativan for side effects from the Decadron. And I'm sure I'll have to take something to balance out the Ativan. Ha, just kidding, I hope. Apparently Ativan is one of those "fun drugs," as in normal people like to abuse it. This is pretty much the first time I've had this type of drug in my possession. I plan on using it according to the directions (because I'm a square). Plus I'm not a very anxious type, so I don't really notice much of a change when I take it. Except I get to sleep. Ahhhhh a nice feeling. It's just a Tuesday/Wednesday drug.

I also did a good job at getting a walk today. Since I slept in, I didn't get to have breakfast with my parents. So I walked to Rocky Mountain Bagel Works to get a whole wheat bagel, eating it on the walk home. Multi-tasking! I rarely single-task anymore, so you can see why multi-tasking is a big deal. I also did laundry and watched a movie with my mom. The combo of moving around AND taking it easy tends to be a good one.

But wait, there's more! I went out with Susan to register for the Race for the Cure. To anyone who might come on down and join the fun, you may want to register ahead of time. We went to Runner's Roost, paid the $30, and got our numbers and t-shirts. If you want to come, it's not too late! Call me or email me or leave a comment, and we'll find a way to meet up!

Participating in the Race for the Cure brought up a technical question for me. There are special parts of the event that apply to survivors only, such as certain free things and pink shirts v. white shirts. I started to wonder, "when do I get to call myself a survivor? After treatment? A year after treatment? Five years after diagnosis?" I brought this question up on a message board I've been frequenting, http://www.youngsurvival.org/, and the best response was this:

The minute you find out you have cancer and you don't drop dead from the
shock, you are a survivor. Get the free stuff. Love, Ruth

I have to say, that was an awesome answer! So I'm officially a survivor. Pink shirt for me.

Last Thursday, I was feeling a lot sicker than I am today. So I'm glad that today is better! It doesn't help that the weather keeps pooping out at the end of the week. I'm one of those people who thrives on sunshine; a gray day really brings me down. Let's hope there's sun in the forecast for the rest of the weekend!

So that does it for the "update" aspect of this post. Now we can move on to the three topics on my mind. Go get a drink, have a stretch, make a phone call. This could take a while.

Topic One: How to Live in a World that Is Trying to Kill You

OK, the title is probably a little more dramatic than the actual situation. But here's what I've been thinking about. Stressing about. Obsessing about.

My genetic test came back negative for BRCA1 and BRCA2 genetic mutations. Apparently not that many young breast cancer patients actually test positive for the gene mutation, which is contrary to what many would think. So as far as we can tell, my cancer is not genetic.

This leaves me wondering why I have breast cancer. And why I have it now. I'd like to think that my lifestyle hasn't been bad enough to warrant cancer. And even if it was, it would have been only, say, 7 years since I left home and was "taking care of myself." Could I really have done enough damage to give myself cancer at 25?

I've been told to just let it go, to quit wondering why I have cancer. It's not like I wonder about it all the time, but it would be really nice to know why this is happening to me, and why now. And the worry that has consumed my mind is whether the world, and our global situation, is killing people.

I keep hearing about how there are all sorts of products out there that are causing cancer. And how refined sugars and bleached flours and processed foods are making people sick. And there's pollution in the air. And in the water. And who knows what kind of long-term side effects some medicines have. I feel like everything is unhealthy. Today I had a lot of trouble trying to eat because everything I came up with was bad for one reason or another. Too much sugar. Fried. Too fatty. Has soy. Might have come from a hormone-injected animal. Pesticides. Even supplemental vitamin C is being researched to see if it helps protect cancer while protecting other cells.

If changing small things, like my diet, can help me ward off cancer, that's great. But what if it's something bigger that's causing an increase in cancer? What if it's the environment?

There don't seem to be any easy answers to this, and it has me worried. I mean, why waste time eating a special and ultra-boring diet if breathing the air and drinking the water is what's killing us? I remember not so long ago my response when someone would tell me something (anything) is a carcinogen. I would flippantly respond with "Everything causes cancer." I didn't give a crap back then (ummm 75 days ago). Now I'm terrified I was right. How am I, or really, how are we supposed to live in a world that might just be toxic to human beings?

Mostly I just never want to deal with cancer ever again ever in my life EVER. NEVER.

Topic Two: Concern That I'm Wasting My Life

This is the topic that inspired the title of this post, "Thursday. Already!" During treatment, I feel like I'm just waiting for time to pass. I want time to fly by and disappear in a cartoon-like whoosh, and then to find myself, smiling, healthy, "cured," at the end of this dark tunnel, ready to live my life again.

I sorta feel like I've "checked out" a little bit. Like I'm not really participating in my own life, just waiting for the icky part to pass me by. Sorta numb, almost. I guess I feel like I should be doing more, experiencing more. I mean, if anything, I'm learning how precious life is, each and every day. So why am I not actively out there enjoying it, absorbing life's gifts and pleasures?

Oh yeah, maybe it has to do with the toxic medicine swirling around in my body. I guess that's a decent excuse.

There's also this feeling inside that this is not my life. My life is easy and great and fun and exciting, and this life is not fun and not easy and scary and icky and really boring sometimes. But I know I'll be getting back to my good life. It'll be a little bit. But I know when I'm done, I'll be like "whoa, that seemed kinda fast." I just look forward to that day.

In the long run, I'm happy that time is passing relatively quickly. Can you believe I had my first chemo infusion almost two months ago???

Also, I've noticed that my thumbnails and big toenails are starting to turn dark at the bases. Blackish. It's gross. Whatever. I should have a showcase to highlight every "side effect of the week."

Topic Three: A Year Ago Now-ish

Maybe it's the birthday. Maybe it's the Peacemakers. But something is making me think back to what was going on a year ago from about now, and how much better that was than this.

A year ago now-ish, I was getting ready to go to Circus Mexicus, Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers' big show in Mexico, with a great friend. This year, no one wanted to go with me, and everyone was scared that I'd end up needing a hospital on the wrong side of the border. I really wish I was going! Oh well. It's better this way, and I am going to California.

This time last year, I was happy about recently being promoted (to a job I ended up hating). I was excited about meeting a guy (who turned out to be bad for me). I changed apartments (to a way nicer place with a cool roommate/landlady!). And I went to San Francisco (which I'm doing again YAY!).

So some of it is the same, and some of it is different; some was good and some was bad. But mostly, that was my life before cancer. I wonder if I had cancer then, actually. Who knows.

Sometimes I worry I'll never be the same person I was before cancer, and that I didn't really get a fair chance to be the "normal" me for very long. I worry I'll change... that I'm changing... and that I'll look back and wish I was still the same. Even worse, I worry that I'll look back and not even remember the person I used to be. OK, enough worry for today.

I wish I had nose hairs so that when I get upset and cry a little, snot would stay in my nose better. Ha.

I can't wait until it's next year, this time. I think I will have a lot more to celebrate.

Life comes at ya fast.

But anyway, the major point of this post was to say HOORAY I'M FEELING DECENT TODAY, AND CHEERS TO HAVING A GREAT WEEKEND! I'm going shopping on Saturday, Racing for a Cure on Sunday, going to the dermatologist on Monday for these yucky bumps, infusing Chemo 10 on Tuesday, and flying to California, baby, on Wednesday!