Pills Pills Pills

Today I didn't get out of bed until 1:45 p.m. Needless to say, I'm not feeling so great today. But that pretty much happens every week; Thursday-Saturday are usually the days I feel sick.

Chemo 5 went just fine on Tuesday. I had my purse stocked to the brim with stuff to entertain me and block out noise because the previous week's patients were loud and I couldn't sleep. I was semi-annoyed... But when I got there, the "noisy guy" was leaving as I was coming, so it didn't matter in the end.

On Monday, I noticed that my big toe on my left foot was hurting. I wanted to be really careful of whatever it was so that it wouldn't end up infected or anything. I thought maybe it was an ingrown toenail, but I've never had one of those, so I didn't know. My chemo nurse looked at it and said it looked fine, but that she'd ask what I should do about it. She told me to soak it in Epsom salt water and put Neosporin on it, and if it didn't clear up in by Thursday to call. Well, it still hurt yesterday, so I called. And the nurse called back and told me that I'd have to take antibiotics (again) and have it seen if it doesn't clear up by Monday.

Every time I have to take more pills, I get a little more annoyed and upset. It's really frustrating because I don't like taking medicine. This toe thing frustrates me because I know if I weren't receiving chemotherapy treatments, my body would be strong enough to fight off this little cut, or whatever it is. But because I'm in treatment, I just can't do it. My typically strong and healthy body has become a weak, incompetent, and unreliable piece of junk. My white blood cells have been kinda low for the last couple weeks, but at least they went up a little this week.

I just got off of antibiotics on Monday. They found some sort of bacteria in my urine, which apparently was something that some doctors would treat and some would not. Given my situation, we treated it just to be safe. The medicine seriously rocked my stomach system, which wasn't fun. I was really happy to be done with those pills, especially because I had to take them every 8 hours. It's hard to remember to do that, especially for two damn weeks! The new antibiotic is worse because I have to take it every 6 hours. Which means I have to set an alarm to wake up just to take it. At least it's just for a week. And I hope it works.

I know the toe thing is just a minor setback, but I don't like feeling like a weakling.

On Tuesday, I got a prescription for sleeping pills because I don't/can't sleep Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I took one on Tuesday and it really helped. I fell asleep quickly on Wednesday, but then tossed and turned all night. I'll take one both nights next week, I think; it really made a difference.

Since I'm already bitching and complaining and being a Debbie Downer (and it's even Friday!), I may as well go for the home run. My hair is coming out really fast now, and it's annoying and embarrassing and uncomfortable and upsetting. It gets on my neck, clothes and pillow, and it's itchy. And it gets everywhere else too-- on counters, on my face, everywhere. When I'm washing it, it looks like I just petted a shedding dog with a wet hand. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH! I'm glad my hair is so thick because I'd be bald by now if I had normal hair. I think I'll have someone shave it again because I can't stand all these little hairs. Although I think because they're a little longer, they cover a little more of my bare head...

I just really hate the feeling that the chemo is so strong and I'm becoming weaker such that my body can't continue to grow hair or even keep it in. It makes me seem... sick (well duh, I know). On the other hand, I guess I could say that since it's killing my hair, it's probably killing my cancer too... (Yay silver lining!)

Also, I feel like I'm getting fat, which is always a gross feeling. I was warned that a lot of people gain weight during treatment because they can't be as active. I was pretty active before all this because I waited tables all day and skied and stuff. But now I'm feeling good if I go for a 2-mile walk every once in a while. I don't know what exactly to do because I have to eat; I feel sick if I don't. And my body definitely needs food to rebuild itself. But I don't want to get fat! I feel disgusting enough as it is!

I was reading online about dating and relationships in respects to cancer and treatment, and I was so shocked and saddened to hear what some of these women have gone through. A few of them had boyfriends and husbands who cheated on them and left/divorced them during the treatment and recovery process. I couldn't believe it! It takes a strong man to stand by his partner through this, yeah, but to actually cause damage to someone who is already suffering? Sheesh. John Edwards is a jerk.

I was, at first, really bummed that things in my relationship didn't work out because I thought it would have been such a comfort to have support from a boyfriend. I guess I thought a boyfriend could be a supporter separate from family and friends, someone who was just for me. And someone who could tell me I am beautiful, even when I'm really not (seriously, the cancer patient look isn't a good one) and someone who could rub my shoulders when they hurt so much from the chemo. I wanted that kind of support.

To be fair and honest, the timing of things was extraordinarily bad because we broke up about a month before this whole cancer nonsense got started. I hoped we could work our ways back together and be there for each other during this difficult period, and we tried to stay friends. That didn't work out and caused more drama than I need in my life right now (or ever, really...). In the end, I'm glad not to be dealing with relationship problems, unforgivable betrayals, divorce, raising children, or anything. While it would be nice to have a significant other to battle breast cancer with, being single and surrounded by the strength and love of family and friends beats the hell out of trying to get well while dealing with a cheating scumbag.

Well, darlings, sorry about the downer of a post. But I feel better now! Enjoy the weekend!